Messy Families in a Messy World

Family Ministry continues to be a major theme in youth ministry these days. It is an important reality--parents are the primary influence in the lives of children and teenagers. Youth workers need to understand and appreciate this reality in many different ways. The "old days" of youth ministry as an isolated silo of frantic activity led by super-cool, young youth leaders has been attacked and buried in most churches. So, Family Ministry is the vogue. Or "Household Ministry", or "Inter-generational Ministry", or "Birth and Beyond"...

But, I wonder as I listen to the words and images. I hear some nice ideas about the family being the church and the parents being the priests. I hear images of faithful parents who buy our devotional resources and have significant faith conversations around the table and prayer times before bed. I listen to stories of how our books, folders, models will build families and raise connected kids.

And then I wonder again. Really? Is that where the pendulum has swung? Are we creating models and images that react against the old youth ministry model--or are we honestly speaking to the reality of our world today? Reaction against something is not always a good indicator of a clear vision. And, I would suggest that a model of family ministry that does not honestly address the messiness in many families will only create nice seminars--not clear family ministry.      

I am simply calling for language and models that speak to the complex reality in our families and in our churches. Messy families don't always fit into the Deuteronomy model. They don't always lead in the spiritual realm--or even have a spiritual realm in their household. It is critical that leaders and churches understand the actual families they minister to, not the ideal model often given in the handbook. Communication patterns in messy families need to be understood in order to minister to the kids growing up in those systems. Messages in messy families may actually be contradicting what we are teaching in our children's and youth ministry--and to pretend differently is to miss the real context.

While parents are the primary influencer on their children, we must acknwoledge that this influence may not be positive. Sounds obvious, but I often miss it when I hear the family ministry conversations going on. If the parents ARE the proactive Christian influence in the family, then they are the church---and we can take a much more supportive role. If they feel inadequate and really are fearful of leading their family in the spiritual realm, then our role is much more motivational, supportive and educational. However, if the parents have no faith to share--or contradict what we teach--then we need to have a clear vision for our ministry role.

Let's be sure of one thing. No matter what the family system--OUR job is to share the Good News about Jesus to the next generation. There will always be a need for excellent, age-appropriate, distinct ministry to young people. Let's not lose that passion in the midst of the new family language. Every messy family needs help, and the church is positioned to be this sort of help. We are most helpful when we work hard to understand the families, adjust our ministry models to represent our assessment, support and encourage parents while loving and teaching their children about Jesus.

What are some of your thoughts when it comes to this real-world, messy ministry to youth AND families? I'd love to hear.