Showing posts with label counseling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label counseling. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
An Unnamed Issue Can't Be Beat
Brian sat in front of me trying to put words to his struggle. He looked at his shoes, started 4 or 5 different sentences, and looked like he was in real pain. It was hard to watch, but it was an essential part of the process. Brian had to figure out a way to NAME the issue he was wrestling with. He had to hear himself say it out loud....because that is the key step to resolving the issue.
I have personally experienced this struggle--and watched scores of folks do the same thing. Now, it has become a mantra for me in both counseling and coaching--you have to learn to name the issue if you have any chance of dealing with it.
It goes like this: "An unnammed issue is almost always undefeatable. A named issue has a chance to be defeated." I see leaders all the time who won't start the journey. They keep it all silent. They hold onto the hope that they can work it out without having to admit it out loud to someone. They are lost. They can't win.
I grew up in an alcholic family where we learned the survival rule of "Don't Talk". It was built into my DNA as a survivor--and then I became a young, Christian leader. And, I carried that rule right into my leadership life...and found that people liked that about me. I didn't whine about my feelings or drain them by sharing my struggles all the time. I just moved on and worked hard. Good stuff by outside standards..and a land mine on the inside. I finally stepped on the land mine and it was not pretty.
Naming the issue is tough--but, it is essential. When you are working with people, watch for the power of giving them a safe, graceful place where they can figure out and name the struggle in their life, their world and their soul. You also
need to find that safe place where YOU can name the issue (or issues) that trip you up. By the way--we ALL have issues. Let's not try to pretend otherwise.
I mean NAME it--not just think about it. I may sound unspiritual, but I also mean to not just pray about it. Those two things are important, but healing comes when you SAY it out loud to at least one other person. You have to have your ears hear your mouth confess it, admit it, announce it or cry about it. You have to NAME it out loud. That's when healing begins.
So, joint the messy club of leaders with issues. But, only join if you are ready to name it. The key is to find the healthy, safe place to do this hard work. It should not be your youth group, your co-leaders, a person of the opposite gender or someone on your personnel committee!! Find your place, find your safe person and take a deep breath.....and NAME it.
By the way---afterwards, read a few Psalms to join the club of honest, faithful people who have questions, struggles, pain and unresolved anger. Good luck.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
To Save a Life
Youth ministry is more than being fun with kids, running a few cool events and using “The Message” translation of the Bible!! In today’s world, it includes coming alongside of ever-increasing numbers of teenagers who are at-risk and struggling with life. It is real and raw in youth ministry today.
If you are one of the weird adults who wants to be a godly, caring presence in the lives of teenagers…you will be thrown into issues that can be scary and overwhelming. The upcoming movie “To Save a Life” will address many of these issues—and may give you and your ministry a chance to have some deep conversations. That sounds good, but the problem is—they may be honest conversations about real life and real pain.
Without giving you a counseling curriculum, I wanted to give you a few ideas on how you can go from Good Intentions to Helpful Actions. We teach a 3 day COUNSEL class at Youth Leadership—and I have learned a lot from my co-teacher, Dr. Kevin Harrington. Much of what I will share is stolen or adapted from him!! If you or your volunteers come alongside of teenagers with only good intentions, you might be more dangerous than helpful. And having a bible verse doesn’t make you any better….sorry.
So, here are few ideas to add to your good intentions:
Know why you are there.
Be real clear on what your role is when you talk to kids. Get rid of any focus on fixing the problem, controlling their response or solving the tension they are feeling.
Your job is to love them…listen to them…stay with them. To do more is usually to help US feel better—and that is NOT why you are there.
So, when a teen says “My parents are getting a divorce”, you need to be clear about what your role is. Don’t jump to the bible right away—don’t try to fix it or give an easy answer.
Name it
Naming the issue at hand is incredibly healing. It doesn’t fix it, but it gets it out in the open. Caring for another person is getting them to name the issue, struggle, concern or fear. It is also a possibility that your role is to help name it for them.
Without making caring into a formula, it is crucial that you are able to be focused. In the first few minutes ask some variation of this question: “What brought you here to talk to me?” or, “What are you hoping will happen because we are talking?”
Other questions that will help you name it—or get them to name it.
i. “How can I be most helpful today?”
ii. “Tell me what is happening”
Know your limits
Every person has limits—emotional, skills and time. A caring person must KNOW these and ADMIT these. If you have 15 minutes...be clear about that and give them a good 15 minutes. Don’t try to be a therapist—you aren’t that good, so admit it.
Helpful people don’t try to do too much. Be honest with your skill limits. “Boy, this sounds really tough—and that is way over my head. I can do this (name it), but it sure sounds like we should find someone who can get you the help you really need right now.”
Look beyond behaviors
A big mistake is getting stuck on behaviors and just trying to get kids to STOP this or START this. Behaviors are important…but the real issue is always below the surface of behaviors.
Let behaviors be a starting point, but go to the Injury or Hurt that resides below the surface. What is the pain they feel? Where is the rejection, loss, etc?
The hardest work—and the most healing—is to then talk about their INTERPRETATION of the hurt. How do they see it through THEIR eyes? If you look hard enough, it almost always comes back to a feeling of being worthless, unlovable or deficient in some way. For many kids, the things that are happening prove that there is something wrong with them. OUR JOB is to listen to this, love them in Jesus name, and not try to fix it right away.
For example: A kid comes to you and says “I struggle with cutting”. It is NOT your job to get them to stop—that is only focusing on behaviors. Instead, get them to talk about the issues. Get curious—“what makes you feel like you need to cut? How does that work for you?” Listen for the hurts and their interpretation of the hurts in their life.
Make the circle bigger
No matter who you are, you should be asking, “Who else should be involved in this?” This is both a referral issue, but it is most importantly a caring issue. Who else has the young person told? Who is in his/her support network? What resources would be helpful to them?
Don’t ever do this caring alone. Get support from others—insight from others—and perspective from others. Your “secret” relationship is not only dangerous; it simply is unhelpful to the person.
Saving a life is God’s job—but being a caring person when a person is hurting can be a powerful ministry. You and your volunteers can do that if they stay focused, admit their limits, increase their clarity, look beyond behaviors and make the circle bigger. There is much more to this, but go ahead…start the conversation. Care enough to get involved in the messy reality of kid’s lives—and pray that God would use you to save a life.
Peace in Christ,
Tiger
If you are one of the weird adults who wants to be a godly, caring presence in the lives of teenagers…you will be thrown into issues that can be scary and overwhelming. The upcoming movie “To Save a Life” will address many of these issues—and may give you and your ministry a chance to have some deep conversations. That sounds good, but the problem is—they may be honest conversations about real life and real pain.
Without giving you a counseling curriculum, I wanted to give you a few ideas on how you can go from Good Intentions to Helpful Actions. We teach a 3 day COUNSEL class at Youth Leadership—and I have learned a lot from my co-teacher, Dr. Kevin Harrington. Much of what I will share is stolen or adapted from him!! If you or your volunteers come alongside of teenagers with only good intentions, you might be more dangerous than helpful. And having a bible verse doesn’t make you any better….sorry.
So, here are few ideas to add to your good intentions:
Know why you are there.
Be real clear on what your role is when you talk to kids. Get rid of any focus on fixing the problem, controlling their response or solving the tension they are feeling.
Your job is to love them…listen to them…stay with them. To do more is usually to help US feel better—and that is NOT why you are there.
So, when a teen says “My parents are getting a divorce”, you need to be clear about what your role is. Don’t jump to the bible right away—don’t try to fix it or give an easy answer.
Name it
Naming the issue at hand is incredibly healing. It doesn’t fix it, but it gets it out in the open. Caring for another person is getting them to name the issue, struggle, concern or fear. It is also a possibility that your role is to help name it for them.
Without making caring into a formula, it is crucial that you are able to be focused. In the first few minutes ask some variation of this question: “What brought you here to talk to me?” or, “What are you hoping will happen because we are talking?”
Other questions that will help you name it—or get them to name it.
i. “How can I be most helpful today?”
ii. “Tell me what is happening”
Know your limits
Every person has limits—emotional, skills and time. A caring person must KNOW these and ADMIT these. If you have 15 minutes...be clear about that and give them a good 15 minutes. Don’t try to be a therapist—you aren’t that good, so admit it.
Helpful people don’t try to do too much. Be honest with your skill limits. “Boy, this sounds really tough—and that is way over my head. I can do this (name it), but it sure sounds like we should find someone who can get you the help you really need right now.”
Look beyond behaviors
A big mistake is getting stuck on behaviors and just trying to get kids to STOP this or START this. Behaviors are important…but the real issue is always below the surface of behaviors.
Let behaviors be a starting point, but go to the Injury or Hurt that resides below the surface. What is the pain they feel? Where is the rejection, loss, etc?
The hardest work—and the most healing—is to then talk about their INTERPRETATION of the hurt. How do they see it through THEIR eyes? If you look hard enough, it almost always comes back to a feeling of being worthless, unlovable or deficient in some way. For many kids, the things that are happening prove that there is something wrong with them. OUR JOB is to listen to this, love them in Jesus name, and not try to fix it right away.
For example: A kid comes to you and says “I struggle with cutting”. It is NOT your job to get them to stop—that is only focusing on behaviors. Instead, get them to talk about the issues. Get curious—“what makes you feel like you need to cut? How does that work for you?” Listen for the hurts and their interpretation of the hurts in their life.
Make the circle bigger
No matter who you are, you should be asking, “Who else should be involved in this?” This is both a referral issue, but it is most importantly a caring issue. Who else has the young person told? Who is in his/her support network? What resources would be helpful to them?
Don’t ever do this caring alone. Get support from others—insight from others—and perspective from others. Your “secret” relationship is not only dangerous; it simply is unhelpful to the person.
Saving a life is God’s job—but being a caring person when a person is hurting can be a powerful ministry. You and your volunteers can do that if they stay focused, admit their limits, increase their clarity, look beyond behaviors and make the circle bigger. There is much more to this, but go ahead…start the conversation. Care enough to get involved in the messy reality of kid’s lives—and pray that God would use you to save a life.
Peace in Christ,
Tiger
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