I Gotta Do More

I just got off the phone with one of our certification students and found us talking about a subject that shows up for so many leaders. It is this sneaky suspicion that I am just not doing enough. I must be busier to prove my worth. It is the mantra of our culture right now--ask almost anyone how they are doing, and you will find "Oh, I am really busy" somewhere in the answer. It is our drug of choice in the christian world. I can relate. This addiction to activity has been one of my pitfalls of leadership. There is something that is wired into many of us that busyness is the proof of our value--and the church will affirm this addiction all the way to your funeral. They love those of us who can't do enough, who won't say NO, and who refuse to slow down. They worry a little about us, but secretly hope we don't find any antedote to the disease because they love our frantic efforts and full schedule. This past month was the last month of Youth Leadership's fiscal year. It is the month that pushes all my "gotta do more" tendencies. It's the time when the voices creep up all over again: "The financial bottom line is dependent on my activity" "If we are going to make it--it is up to me" "I need to stay later, make more calls, send more emails and make sure it all works out". And, God is left in the back seat again. 

Youth ministry can feed this "gotta do more" syndrome is so many ways. There are expectations everywhere--from kids, parents, staff, and the broader church community. There are job descriptions that are so vague and include everything except bus maintenance that feed this feeling like I am just not doing enough. How can we stop? How can we beat the voices that whisper to us? How can we NOT feel guilty when we actually take a Sabbath? Now, let me say that I am not suggesting that you will ever make youth ministry into a tight, manageable 45 hour a week job. That just won't happen. Youth ministry is not a job--it is a lifestyle. And there are simply crazy parts to that lifestyle. But, I am convinced the lifestyle doesn't need to dangerous to our health, our spiritual life and our relationships. It CAN be managed. It can be lived out in a healthy way. So, what do you do to stay healthy, hang in there and not feel guilty? I would love to hear any ideas...because my addiction is sneaking back up on me. I gotta finish and run off to a meeting!!! See you later.

Hope is not a strategy

I love phrases. They help put big ideas into a sentence that can be remembered. I have a list of them--some I have created, some I have stolen, and some I have no idea where they came from!!

This one is one of my favorites: Hope is not a strategy. Every parent I know of hopes that their kid turns out well. They hope their kids keep going to church and make good decisions. Every parent hopes their kids are "happy"--whatever that means. (That's another blog...) Every youth worker hopes their ministry impacts kids and helps them. Every church hopes that they make a difference. And the hopes go on. But, remember...Hope is not a strategy. God bless you for your good feelings, but it won't really matter in the end if you don't build some intentionality into your hope. More parents need intentionality. More youth ministries need a strategy to go with their energy. More churches need clarity and intentionality to add to their busyness. Intentionality does not mean you lose all spontaneity. It doesn't mean you become super-organized and a Type-A personality. What I am talking about is simply being clearer about WHY we are doing things and WHAT we are hoping will happen because we are doing them. This issue of relying on our hopes is creating a culture of ministry and parenting that is based solely on our feelings. That may help to create some sense of "we care" about our kids--but it loses any chance of actually being strategic. In the process, we are losing so many of our young people to a culture that is relentlessly pursuing them. Depending your your study, we are losing between 40 to 60 percent of the teenagers who are presently involved with our youth ministries--but will be disengaged from church life, and their faith, by the time they hit their late teens and emerging adulthood. And, this is NOT A DETOUR--this is the EXIT RAMP from church and faith life. This is incredibly significant. And hoping it will change will do nothing. Until parents and churches begin to strategically address this issue, the slide away from church and faith will only continue. I am not a pessimist by nature, but this one is serious. What can parents do? What can churches and youth ministries do? What WILL we do? My dream is that it is more than hoping....In fact, I will be doing an event on Monday night, May 21 at Cornerstone Church in Crystal, MN where we will be discussing this issue. If you are in town, join us. The information in on the Youth Leadership website. Here is to your action steps. Start somewhere. Do something. I'd like to hear what you think.

An Unnamed Issue Can't Be Beat

Brian sat in front of me trying to put words to his struggle. He looked at his shoes, started 4 or 5 different sentences, and looked like he was in real pain. It was hard to watch, but it was an essential part of the process. Brian had to figure out a way to NAME the issue he was wrestling with. He had to hear himself say it out loud....because that is the key step to resolving the issue.

I have personally experienced this struggle--and watched scores of folks do the same thing. Now, it has become a mantra for me in both counseling and coaching--you have to learn to name the issue if you have any chance of dealing with it. It goes like this: "An unnammed issue is almost always undefeatable. A named issue has a chance to be defeated." I see leaders all the time who won't start the journey. They keep it all silent. They hold onto the hope that they can work it out without having to admit it out loud to someone. They are lost. They can't win. I grew up in an alcholic family where we learned the survival rule of "Don't Talk". It was built into my DNA as a survivor--and then I became a young, Christian leader. And, I carried that rule right into my leadership life...and found that people liked that about me. I didn't whine about my feelings or drain them by sharing my struggles all the time. I just moved on and worked hard. Good stuff by outside standards..and a land mine on the inside. I finally stepped on the land mine and it was not pretty. Naming the issue is tough--but, it is essential. When you are working with people, watch for the power of giving them a safe, graceful place where they can figure out and name the struggle in their life, their world and their soul. You also need to find that safe place where YOU can name the issue (or issues) that trip you up. By the way--we ALL have issues. Let's not try to pretend otherwise. I mean NAME it--not just think about it. I may sound unspiritual, but I also mean to not just pray about it. Those two things are important, but healing comes when you SAY it out loud to at least one other person. You have to have your ears hear your mouth confess it, admit it, announce it or cry about it. You have to NAME it out loud. That's when healing begins.

So, joint the messy club of leaders with issues. But, only join if you are ready to name it. The key is to find the healthy, safe place to do this hard work. It should not be your youth group, your co-leaders, a person of the opposite gender or someone on your personnel committee!! Find your place, find your safe person and take a deep breath.....and NAME it. By the way---afterwards, read a few Psalms to join the club of honest, faithful people who have questions, struggles, pain and unresolved anger. Good luck.

Excuses for not writing

Friends,

I am back...really, I am. It has been a long time since my last post. One comment to me was, "If you have a blog, then BLOG." Pretty succinct. So, here are my excuses...(by the way--you will see that these are not just MY excuses--they are excuses I see leaders using all the time.)

1. I have been super-busy. This is a great excuse because it helps us feel important. The urgent things have taken over my life and I can't seem to get off the treadmill. I feel it all the time--and I hear it at every meeting I go to.

2. I am a procrastinator. Ah, the shrugged shoulders that excuses everything. I'm sorry, I just let things go and this got away from me. It IS true by the way--I AM a procrastinator. I have become addicted to the pressure that comes from delaying things. I am writing this late in the day while I know I have to rush off to a meeting...

3. I am an initiator. This is another "strength-finder" approach to excusing behavior. It says that I am gifted at getting things started, but not energized by maintaining things or keeping them going. While it may be true--it just isn't an excuse to NOT follow through on your good ideas. Life is full of the mundane things. Deal with it.

4. I have no discipline. OK, this is a really big one for me. It is true. I don't. It is only one weakness that affects about 90 different areas of my life--from friendships to spiritual growth and everything in between. Blogging requires discipline--and that is in short supply these days. Welcome to leadership for many of us. If you wait for discipline to land on your doorstep before you work at your discipline--it just won't happen.

5. "Do I have anything to say?" This is my self-doubt excuse. It has many forms in leadership, but it is the voice that causes us to be insecure, pull-back, avoid conflict or not stand up for our values. It is the self-doubt that saps the leader's ability to speak up. I hear it all the time--and it is one of the reasons I don't blog every Monday like I had planned.

As I said, these 5 excuses are mine. But, I am pretty sure many of you have heard those same excuses--or similar ones--roll around in your head. How do you deal with the excuses you make up? How do you work through them? Are there others that steal your focus and energy? As usual, I would love to hear from you.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. God bless

The issue of family ministry has become a hot topic in our field. There have been many reactions against the “old” model of youth ministry that separated teenagers from their parents and had youth workers being the cool, fun person who worked only with young people. These are legitimate criticisms, but—as usual—we often react to something and swing the pendulum too far.

I would argue that this is the case with youth and family ministry. We have some serious problems as we try to address this issue of family systems, parenting in today’s culture and sharing faith to the next generation. There is a valid criticism of the ministry model that tries to replace parents as the primary faith-shapers of their children. The professionalism of youth ministry has created some problems—but simply saying that” home is church” is to miss the reality of our context.

Let’s be honest. The average parent in the average church is not equipped or has a clear vision of being the primary teacher of faith to their children. We can complain about that—or pretend it is not true—but I think that misses the reality. Most parents are not growing much spiritually, and they don’t have a plan for the spiritual growth of their children.

IF this is true—then creating a model that simply gives resources to ill-equipped and unprepared parents will not solve the problem. I would contend that only a whole church commitment to discipleship of all ages will begin to address the real issue. To have spiritual children, you need spiritual parents. And they need to be spiritual parents with a clear plan for shaping the faith of their children.

Churches must preach and teach in ways that help all ages really grow in their faith—in their life context. It means that parents need to be taught, reminded and challenged to take their role very seriously. They need to have places where they can think and develop their family goals that go beyond being a taxi driver to all of their kid’s activities—including the “God Box.” Parents are being duped by our culture—and our churches are often not speaking clearly into and against that culture. We simply let the values of consumerism steal our families, while we have one parent’s meeting in September.

We all say that parents are too busy to come to our training events—but that is letting the disease run the ministry. We let our families drink from the busyness Kool-Aid and don’t challenge the implications that affect every area of our lives—including our spiritual lives.

I am curious what you are doing in your context to actually help parents be more focused, more intentional and better equipped to faithfully raise their children to know, love and follow Jesus. I know it is hard. (By the way—YL is having a one-day seminar on “Ministering to Families” on Thursday, September 29th to continue this discussion.)

Peace,
Tiger

Happy New Year

After a long summer absence, I think it is time to get back to this blog. If you noticed the absence, then I am honored. If not, well—join the busy club!!

As we head into the fall, I am reminded that THIS has always been my New Year. January 1st has never held much for me except the turning of a calendar page and writing the wrong year on my checks (back when we had those paper checks) for a month or so.

As a youth worker, this is when new programs start, new leaders step up to the plate, new kids enter the program and new ideas are attempted. Fall is the start of everything new. This is true from a parent’s perspective as well—each child moves into a new school experience and the year feels different from last spring. And, of course, for kids—this is a new year as well. Some step into a new school, enter middle school for the first time, finally hit high school or are going off to college. It is all new—and new things are both exciting and a bit scary.

So, as your programs hit a new rhythm; and as your kids experience new things; and as families find something new this fall—my question is, “What’s new with YOU?”. Is all the new stuff just on the calendar….in the programs….and on the outside? Youth ministry is becoming addicted to a dizzying array of programs, speakers, rallies, conventions and anything with David Crowder. It is fairly easy to crank up something in these areas, but it may be tougher to hit the reset button in your personal or spiritual life.

In the midst of the craziness, leaders often forget to find time to connect to something new in their soul….and the pressure to fake it gets bigger and bigger. We have to stay with Jesus and find the space we need to listen…really listen to our souls.

It is a new year. I know we don’t make many New Year resolutions any more—but I wonder about each leader’s need to hit the reset button once in a while. What do you need to do this year that will keep you more focused—and more intentional in the hidden areas of your life? What do you need to start this fall to help you soul? What do you need to STOP doing to renew your spirit?

I wish I could give you 5 easy steps to having a great new year. That’s what we love in American Christianity today. But, I am just not there. Find your own answer to the healing you need. Don’t rush past it to the next program. Breathe….and wonder what you might need to do this year to have a really good year.

God bless…

The Struggle of Disappointment

Every leader will have to face the issue of disappointment. It is unavoidable because life and ministry never goes completely as we had hoped. The dictionary says that disappoint is: 1. to fail to meet the expectations, hopes, desires, or standards of; let down 2. to prevent the fulfilment of (a plan, intention, etc); frustrate; thwart

Sound familiar? Have you ever had kids fail to meet your expectations or hopes? Welcome to disappointment. How about that parents meeting you were so prepared for? We all work for imperfect churches or systems, so they result in times where we feel "let down", or they frustrate us with the roadblocks to our ideas. Welcome to disappointment.

The problem is that most leaders are ill-equipped to handle disappointment. We often are idealists--and can take the failure of expectations as a personal attack on our leadership. Disappointment is tiring...and discouraging. And leaders often don't know what to do with these feelings. So, we march on and pretend that we are o.k.

Of course, that works for a while--but, it always comes back to bite us. I have seen leaders leave a church thinking they were leaving the cause of disappointment, but the next church had new pockets of imperfection. We can't escape it.

And, what about when the disappointment is with God? THEN, it really gets tricky. We have a real hard time with this one. What if we feel like God isn't keeping His end of the bargain--How do we name that one? Kids aren't changing, attitudes still stink, the money isn't coming in, leaders aren't showing up, etc. We pray--but it still seems to be the same.

Oh, we can sound spiritual and pretend if we want. But, sometimes, we simply are disappointed with God. I am not talking about anger at God--rejection of God--or feeling like He isn't answering our prayers. I am talking about this sense that God COULD do more--and simply isn't for some reason.

Disappointment with God--and with aspects of ministry--has been in the forefront of my life over these past 16 months. As many know, I have struggled with pain every day since January of 2010. 3 surgeries, a blood clot, a swollen hand and now recurring pain in my hands and wrists make the simplest things extremely difficult. I have prayed. Friends have prayed. My church has prayed. People have laid hands on me. Yet, the outcome is not what I have hoped for. I am disappointed.

You can lay the guilt on me if you want--unconfessed sin, impure attitudes, etc. But, it doesn't work any more. It simply is.....I am disappointed. I am not giving up, preaching my doubts or walking away. I am simply naming the truth. We all are disappointed at times.

So, what do YOU do with this? How do YOU handle the reality that life, ministry, your job, parents, staff, your family, health, etc. doesn't always go the way that you want? What resources keep you faithful in the midst of disappointment? And, how/where can you be honest with all of this?

Every leader struggles with disappointment. How about you?