Caring for all of God's kids

Every church has children and teens that are on the autism spectrum, yet we often see very little action plans being developed.  We don’t hear about it too much—even though the rates of kids with autism has gone up over 78% in the last decade.    

In 2000 and 2002, the autism estimate from the CDC was about 1 in 150 children. Two years later 1 in 125 8-year-olds had autism. In 2006, the number was 1 in 110, and the newest data -- from 2008 -- suggests 1 in 88 children have autism.  Boys with autism continue to outnumber girls 5-to-1, according to the CDC report. It estimates that 1 in 54 boys in the United States have autism.

Bekah Miller—the Associate Director of Youth Ministry at my home church has been working on this issue over the past few years.  I have seen her be intentional about caring for students with autism—and she shares these thoughts as we prepare for a Youth Leadership seminar on April 8.

 

“I never really thought about students with Autism and how it affected my ministry. Then, I met Lisa and her son Ben. I learned from them the reality that most families with Autism don’t feel welcomed in churches. They also don’t feel like church is a safe place for their students to be a part of youth group. This broke my heart. I am in the business of trying to make ALL students feel safe and to create a welcoming environment that ALL students can be a part of.

At that moment I had a decision to make – I could keep ignoring this increasing issue, or I could choose to deal with it head-on, even when no one else was willing to.

I chose the latter, and I continue to choose it each week.

It is not easy. It often times takes extra time, extra meetings, and extra love. These choices though are creating a place, an environment, and a community for students that struggle to find them anywhere else.

Consider joining me and Lisa for a conversation about what this looks like to integrate students into your ministry that have Autism; where they can be successful and where they find a place to belong.  I look forward to continuing the conversation with you.”

Let’s talk.  

The Risk of Going Deeper

I have been hanging around youth ministry for a LONG time now, and one thing that has remained true over the years is that youth workers are fun.  We know how to laugh, we know how to eat lots of pizza, stay up late and hang out with students.  We aren't the boring adults that kids hate to be around.  In fact, some of you have stayed in youth ministry because the thought of going to adult Sunday School terrifies you!! 

I have always liked that about us.  We are fun.  Kids like us.  We are a party waiting to happen.

And that might be the problem.

Fun is great--but fun does not create disciples.  Fun does not draw a young person into the spiritual place where God can speak in a whisper and catch their attention.  Fun does not open the soul. 

Now, before you think I have turned into an old theological geezer, please hear me out.  Fun can be a great opening and create a caring, inviting atmosphere in youth ministry.  I am all for fun.  But, the problem is that sometimes we don't take the risk of going deeper and consider how we might challenge kids in the spiritual arena of their lives.  We don't build something on our atmosphere--we simply enjoy the relationships and activity in the room.

Too often youth ministry has become a program that meets at the "lowest common denominator."  We don't want to offend or go too deep in youth group, so we often just skim the surface with a little God talk, a spiritual nugget and a small group led by the most vocal teenager in the room.  We lose sight of the real vision for our ministry by falling prey to the affirmation syndrome--which is the downfall of most fun, extroverted youth workers. 

So, what can we do with those teenagers who might actually want to go deeper?  How do we create a fun atmosphere that might also include spiritual challenges and deeper opportunities?  How do you raise the bar on your youth group without joining the "Jesus Marines."? 

That may be the key question in youth ministry right now.  If we are going to build a faith that sticks--that doesn't become part of the drop-out statistic--what elements are required?  How do you lovingly confront spiritual apathy and call teenagers to actually have their faith shape them and lead them?  How do you give them biblical perspectives and information that is more than a flannel-graph Jesus who is nice to children?

I would love to hear what you think.  We will be wrestling with this at the next Youth Leadership 3 Hour Seminar on March 14th.  It would be good to hear your thoughts--here in this blog or at the seminar if you can make it.

Take a risk of going deeper--it really is the key issue of our ministry isn't it?

Peace,
Tiger

Messy Families in a Messy World

Family Ministry continues to be a major theme in youth ministry these days. It is an important reality--parents are the primary influence in the lives of children and teenagers. Youth workers need to understand and appreciate this reality in many different ways. The "old days" of youth ministry as an isolated silo of frantic activity led by super-cool, young youth leaders has been attacked and buried in most churches. So, Family Ministry is the vogue. Or "Household Ministry", or "Inter-generational Ministry", or "Birth and Beyond"...

But, I wonder as I listen to the words and images. I hear some nice ideas about the family being the church and the parents being the priests. I hear images of faithful parents who buy our devotional resources and have significant faith conversations around the table and prayer times before bed. I listen to stories of how our books, folders, models will build families and raise connected kids.

And then I wonder again. Really? Is that where the pendulum has swung? Are we creating models and images that react against the old youth ministry model--or are we honestly speaking to the reality of our world today? Reaction against something is not always a good indicator of a clear vision. And, I would suggest that a model of family ministry that does not honestly address the messiness in many families will only create nice seminars--not clear family ministry.      

I am simply calling for language and models that speak to the complex reality in our families and in our churches. Messy families don't always fit into the Deuteronomy model. They don't always lead in the spiritual realm--or even have a spiritual realm in their household. It is critical that leaders and churches understand the actual families they minister to, not the ideal model often given in the handbook. Communication patterns in messy families need to be understood in order to minister to the kids growing up in those systems. Messages in messy families may actually be contradicting what we are teaching in our children's and youth ministry--and to pretend differently is to miss the real context.

While parents are the primary influencer on their children, we must acknwoledge that this influence may not be positive. Sounds obvious, but I often miss it when I hear the family ministry conversations going on. If the parents ARE the proactive Christian influence in the family, then they are the church---and we can take a much more supportive role. If they feel inadequate and really are fearful of leading their family in the spiritual realm, then our role is much more motivational, supportive and educational. However, if the parents have no faith to share--or contradict what we teach--then we need to have a clear vision for our ministry role.

Let's be sure of one thing. No matter what the family system--OUR job is to share the Good News about Jesus to the next generation. There will always be a need for excellent, age-appropriate, distinct ministry to young people. Let's not lose that passion in the midst of the new family language. Every messy family needs help, and the church is positioned to be this sort of help. We are most helpful when we work hard to understand the families, adjust our ministry models to represent our assessment, support and encourage parents while loving and teaching their children about Jesus.

What are some of your thoughts when it comes to this real-world, messy ministry to youth AND families? I'd love to hear.

The Advent of Kate Middleton's Baby

The news spread fast--Kate Middleton is having a baby. Over 1/2 million people searched for news about this on Google this past Monday. It will be BIG news over these next 9 months. All the media people camped out in front of the palace for any current news or updates. The WORLD will be watching this one. It is the Advent of a Future King. It is big news. And we all love (hate) a media circus, don't we? What a great backdrop to the Christmas story. According to our friends at Wikipedia, "Advent is a season observed in many Western Christian churches as a time of expectant waiting and preparation for the celebration of the Nativity of Jesus." Simply, it is a time of joyful waiting--of expectation. The Kate Middleton baby will be anticipated. (They are already making pregnant Kate ceramic dolls for the occasion!!) This will be an advent with great pomp and circumstance. And then, we have this familiar--but radical--story of God sneaking His son into this world with NO fanfare. NO kingly connections or visibility. NO protection or exclusion from the ordinary. Jesus was brought right into the midst of the messiness of this world. The stable with animals and loneliness declares a vision of God's method. And it really doesn't make much sense to world that continues to have a "ladder" mentality to the value of people.

God chose to bring His son into the world in a very effective disguise--the disguise of a weak, dependent, innocent baby. Nobody would have caught this one...and only a few got in on the majesty of it all. And, it all started with the shepherds--an image that doesn't fit for most of us in urban settings. All we know is that Kate Middleton's baby will not be visited first by smelly farmers or shepherds!! It just doesn't work in the palace model of kingship. But, God chose the shepherds as the first-hearers of this incredible news. "God has skin on--and it is laying in a manger for you to see. You can come. God has broken INTO this world. He is not aloof. He is here. He is Immanuel--God with us." I wonder how we can help young people actually HEAR this amazing news. How can we help them understand that God has always been pursuing His people...loving them...and surprising them with His strategy. What will you do this year to break free from the glazed look--and help your young people encounter an incredible truth that could set them free? May the message of God's Advent catch your attention more than the Royal Pregnancy. Peace, Tiger

I Gotta Do More

I just got off the phone with one of our certification students and found us talking about a subject that shows up for so many leaders. It is this sneaky suspicion that I am just not doing enough. I must be busier to prove my worth. It is the mantra of our culture right now--ask almost anyone how they are doing, and you will find "Oh, I am really busy" somewhere in the answer. It is our drug of choice in the christian world. I can relate. This addiction to activity has been one of my pitfalls of leadership. There is something that is wired into many of us that busyness is the proof of our value--and the church will affirm this addiction all the way to your funeral. They love those of us who can't do enough, who won't say NO, and who refuse to slow down. They worry a little about us, but secretly hope we don't find any antedote to the disease because they love our frantic efforts and full schedule. This past month was the last month of Youth Leadership's fiscal year. It is the month that pushes all my "gotta do more" tendencies. It's the time when the voices creep up all over again: "The financial bottom line is dependent on my activity" "If we are going to make it--it is up to me" "I need to stay later, make more calls, send more emails and make sure it all works out". And, God is left in the back seat again. 

Youth ministry can feed this "gotta do more" syndrome is so many ways. There are expectations everywhere--from kids, parents, staff, and the broader church community. There are job descriptions that are so vague and include everything except bus maintenance that feed this feeling like I am just not doing enough. How can we stop? How can we beat the voices that whisper to us? How can we NOT feel guilty when we actually take a Sabbath? Now, let me say that I am not suggesting that you will ever make youth ministry into a tight, manageable 45 hour a week job. That just won't happen. Youth ministry is not a job--it is a lifestyle. And there are simply crazy parts to that lifestyle. But, I am convinced the lifestyle doesn't need to dangerous to our health, our spiritual life and our relationships. It CAN be managed. It can be lived out in a healthy way. So, what do you do to stay healthy, hang in there and not feel guilty? I would love to hear any ideas...because my addiction is sneaking back up on me. I gotta finish and run off to a meeting!!! See you later.

Hope is not a strategy

I love phrases. They help put big ideas into a sentence that can be remembered. I have a list of them--some I have created, some I have stolen, and some I have no idea where they came from!!

This one is one of my favorites: Hope is not a strategy. Every parent I know of hopes that their kid turns out well. They hope their kids keep going to church and make good decisions. Every parent hopes their kids are "happy"--whatever that means. (That's another blog...) Every youth worker hopes their ministry impacts kids and helps them. Every church hopes that they make a difference. And the hopes go on. But, remember...Hope is not a strategy. God bless you for your good feelings, but it won't really matter in the end if you don't build some intentionality into your hope. More parents need intentionality. More youth ministries need a strategy to go with their energy. More churches need clarity and intentionality to add to their busyness. Intentionality does not mean you lose all spontaneity. It doesn't mean you become super-organized and a Type-A personality. What I am talking about is simply being clearer about WHY we are doing things and WHAT we are hoping will happen because we are doing them. This issue of relying on our hopes is creating a culture of ministry and parenting that is based solely on our feelings. That may help to create some sense of "we care" about our kids--but it loses any chance of actually being strategic. In the process, we are losing so many of our young people to a culture that is relentlessly pursuing them. Depending your your study, we are losing between 40 to 60 percent of the teenagers who are presently involved with our youth ministries--but will be disengaged from church life, and their faith, by the time they hit their late teens and emerging adulthood. And, this is NOT A DETOUR--this is the EXIT RAMP from church and faith life. This is incredibly significant. And hoping it will change will do nothing. Until parents and churches begin to strategically address this issue, the slide away from church and faith will only continue. I am not a pessimist by nature, but this one is serious. What can parents do? What can churches and youth ministries do? What WILL we do? My dream is that it is more than hoping....In fact, I will be doing an event on Monday night, May 21 at Cornerstone Church in Crystal, MN where we will be discussing this issue. If you are in town, join us. The information in on the Youth Leadership website. Here is to your action steps. Start somewhere. Do something. I'd like to hear what you think.

An Unnamed Issue Can't Be Beat

Brian sat in front of me trying to put words to his struggle. He looked at his shoes, started 4 or 5 different sentences, and looked like he was in real pain. It was hard to watch, but it was an essential part of the process. Brian had to figure out a way to NAME the issue he was wrestling with. He had to hear himself say it out loud....because that is the key step to resolving the issue.

I have personally experienced this struggle--and watched scores of folks do the same thing. Now, it has become a mantra for me in both counseling and coaching--you have to learn to name the issue if you have any chance of dealing with it. It goes like this: "An unnammed issue is almost always undefeatable. A named issue has a chance to be defeated." I see leaders all the time who won't start the journey. They keep it all silent. They hold onto the hope that they can work it out without having to admit it out loud to someone. They are lost. They can't win. I grew up in an alcholic family where we learned the survival rule of "Don't Talk". It was built into my DNA as a survivor--and then I became a young, Christian leader. And, I carried that rule right into my leadership life...and found that people liked that about me. I didn't whine about my feelings or drain them by sharing my struggles all the time. I just moved on and worked hard. Good stuff by outside standards..and a land mine on the inside. I finally stepped on the land mine and it was not pretty. Naming the issue is tough--but, it is essential. When you are working with people, watch for the power of giving them a safe, graceful place where they can figure out and name the struggle in their life, their world and their soul. You also need to find that safe place where YOU can name the issue (or issues) that trip you up. By the way--we ALL have issues. Let's not try to pretend otherwise. I mean NAME it--not just think about it. I may sound unspiritual, but I also mean to not just pray about it. Those two things are important, but healing comes when you SAY it out loud to at least one other person. You have to have your ears hear your mouth confess it, admit it, announce it or cry about it. You have to NAME it out loud. That's when healing begins.

So, joint the messy club of leaders with issues. But, only join if you are ready to name it. The key is to find the healthy, safe place to do this hard work. It should not be your youth group, your co-leaders, a person of the opposite gender or someone on your personnel committee!! Find your place, find your safe person and take a deep breath.....and NAME it. By the way---afterwards, read a few Psalms to join the club of honest, faithful people who have questions, struggles, pain and unresolved anger. Good luck.

Excuses for not writing

Friends,

I am back...really, I am. It has been a long time since my last post. One comment to me was, "If you have a blog, then BLOG." Pretty succinct. So, here are my excuses...(by the way--you will see that these are not just MY excuses--they are excuses I see leaders using all the time.)

1. I have been super-busy. This is a great excuse because it helps us feel important. The urgent things have taken over my life and I can't seem to get off the treadmill. I feel it all the time--and I hear it at every meeting I go to.

2. I am a procrastinator. Ah, the shrugged shoulders that excuses everything. I'm sorry, I just let things go and this got away from me. It IS true by the way--I AM a procrastinator. I have become addicted to the pressure that comes from delaying things. I am writing this late in the day while I know I have to rush off to a meeting...

3. I am an initiator. This is another "strength-finder" approach to excusing behavior. It says that I am gifted at getting things started, but not energized by maintaining things or keeping them going. While it may be true--it just isn't an excuse to NOT follow through on your good ideas. Life is full of the mundane things. Deal with it.

4. I have no discipline. OK, this is a really big one for me. It is true. I don't. It is only one weakness that affects about 90 different areas of my life--from friendships to spiritual growth and everything in between. Blogging requires discipline--and that is in short supply these days. Welcome to leadership for many of us. If you wait for discipline to land on your doorstep before you work at your discipline--it just won't happen.

5. "Do I have anything to say?" This is my self-doubt excuse. It has many forms in leadership, but it is the voice that causes us to be insecure, pull-back, avoid conflict or not stand up for our values. It is the self-doubt that saps the leader's ability to speak up. I hear it all the time--and it is one of the reasons I don't blog every Monday like I had planned.

As I said, these 5 excuses are mine. But, I am pretty sure many of you have heard those same excuses--or similar ones--roll around in your head. How do you deal with the excuses you make up? How do you work through them? Are there others that steal your focus and energy? As usual, I would love to hear from you.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. God bless

The issue of family ministry has become a hot topic in our field. There have been many reactions against the “old” model of youth ministry that separated teenagers from their parents and had youth workers being the cool, fun person who worked only with young people. These are legitimate criticisms, but—as usual—we often react to something and swing the pendulum too far.

I would argue that this is the case with youth and family ministry. We have some serious problems as we try to address this issue of family systems, parenting in today’s culture and sharing faith to the next generation. There is a valid criticism of the ministry model that tries to replace parents as the primary faith-shapers of their children. The professionalism of youth ministry has created some problems—but simply saying that” home is church” is to miss the reality of our context.

Let’s be honest. The average parent in the average church is not equipped or has a clear vision of being the primary teacher of faith to their children. We can complain about that—or pretend it is not true—but I think that misses the reality. Most parents are not growing much spiritually, and they don’t have a plan for the spiritual growth of their children.

IF this is true—then creating a model that simply gives resources to ill-equipped and unprepared parents will not solve the problem. I would contend that only a whole church commitment to discipleship of all ages will begin to address the real issue. To have spiritual children, you need spiritual parents. And they need to be spiritual parents with a clear plan for shaping the faith of their children.

Churches must preach and teach in ways that help all ages really grow in their faith—in their life context. It means that parents need to be taught, reminded and challenged to take their role very seriously. They need to have places where they can think and develop their family goals that go beyond being a taxi driver to all of their kid’s activities—including the “God Box.” Parents are being duped by our culture—and our churches are often not speaking clearly into and against that culture. We simply let the values of consumerism steal our families, while we have one parent’s meeting in September.

We all say that parents are too busy to come to our training events—but that is letting the disease run the ministry. We let our families drink from the busyness Kool-Aid and don’t challenge the implications that affect every area of our lives—including our spiritual lives.

I am curious what you are doing in your context to actually help parents be more focused, more intentional and better equipped to faithfully raise their children to know, love and follow Jesus. I know it is hard. (By the way—YL is having a one-day seminar on “Ministering to Families” on Thursday, September 29th to continue this discussion.)

Peace,
Tiger

Happy New Year

After a long summer absence, I think it is time to get back to this blog. If you noticed the absence, then I am honored. If not, well—join the busy club!!

As we head into the fall, I am reminded that THIS has always been my New Year. January 1st has never held much for me except the turning of a calendar page and writing the wrong year on my checks (back when we had those paper checks) for a month or so.

As a youth worker, this is when new programs start, new leaders step up to the plate, new kids enter the program and new ideas are attempted. Fall is the start of everything new. This is true from a parent’s perspective as well—each child moves into a new school experience and the year feels different from last spring. And, of course, for kids—this is a new year as well. Some step into a new school, enter middle school for the first time, finally hit high school or are going off to college. It is all new—and new things are both exciting and a bit scary.

So, as your programs hit a new rhythm; and as your kids experience new things; and as families find something new this fall—my question is, “What’s new with YOU?”. Is all the new stuff just on the calendar….in the programs….and on the outside? Youth ministry is becoming addicted to a dizzying array of programs, speakers, rallies, conventions and anything with David Crowder. It is fairly easy to crank up something in these areas, but it may be tougher to hit the reset button in your personal or spiritual life.

In the midst of the craziness, leaders often forget to find time to connect to something new in their soul….and the pressure to fake it gets bigger and bigger. We have to stay with Jesus and find the space we need to listen…really listen to our souls.

It is a new year. I know we don’t make many New Year resolutions any more—but I wonder about each leader’s need to hit the reset button once in a while. What do you need to do this year that will keep you more focused—and more intentional in the hidden areas of your life? What do you need to start this fall to help you soul? What do you need to STOP doing to renew your spirit?

I wish I could give you 5 easy steps to having a great new year. That’s what we love in American Christianity today. But, I am just not there. Find your own answer to the healing you need. Don’t rush past it to the next program. Breathe….and wonder what you might need to do this year to have a really good year.

God bless…

The Struggle of Disappointment

Every leader will have to face the issue of disappointment. It is unavoidable because life and ministry never goes completely as we had hoped. The dictionary says that disappoint is: 1. to fail to meet the expectations, hopes, desires, or standards of; let down 2. to prevent the fulfilment of (a plan, intention, etc); frustrate; thwart

Sound familiar? Have you ever had kids fail to meet your expectations or hopes? Welcome to disappointment. How about that parents meeting you were so prepared for? We all work for imperfect churches or systems, so they result in times where we feel "let down", or they frustrate us with the roadblocks to our ideas. Welcome to disappointment.

The problem is that most leaders are ill-equipped to handle disappointment. We often are idealists--and can take the failure of expectations as a personal attack on our leadership. Disappointment is tiring...and discouraging. And leaders often don't know what to do with these feelings. So, we march on and pretend that we are o.k.

Of course, that works for a while--but, it always comes back to bite us. I have seen leaders leave a church thinking they were leaving the cause of disappointment, but the next church had new pockets of imperfection. We can't escape it.

And, what about when the disappointment is with God? THEN, it really gets tricky. We have a real hard time with this one. What if we feel like God isn't keeping His end of the bargain--How do we name that one? Kids aren't changing, attitudes still stink, the money isn't coming in, leaders aren't showing up, etc. We pray--but it still seems to be the same.

Oh, we can sound spiritual and pretend if we want. But, sometimes, we simply are disappointed with God. I am not talking about anger at God--rejection of God--or feeling like He isn't answering our prayers. I am talking about this sense that God COULD do more--and simply isn't for some reason.

Disappointment with God--and with aspects of ministry--has been in the forefront of my life over these past 16 months. As many know, I have struggled with pain every day since January of 2010. 3 surgeries, a blood clot, a swollen hand and now recurring pain in my hands and wrists make the simplest things extremely difficult. I have prayed. Friends have prayed. My church has prayed. People have laid hands on me. Yet, the outcome is not what I have hoped for. I am disappointed.

You can lay the guilt on me if you want--unconfessed sin, impure attitudes, etc. But, it doesn't work any more. It simply is.....I am disappointed. I am not giving up, preaching my doubts or walking away. I am simply naming the truth. We all are disappointed at times.

So, what do YOU do with this? How do YOU handle the reality that life, ministry, your job, parents, staff, your family, health, etc. doesn't always go the way that you want? What resources keep you faithful in the midst of disappointment? And, how/where can you be honest with all of this?

Every leader struggles with disappointment. How about you?

The Achilles Heel of the Leader

Every person—and every leader—has to come to grips with the reality of a recurring weakness that trips them up again and again. We can do our “Strength Finders” and name our personality assets—all of which is an important issue for a healthy leader. Work and lead out of your strengths—name the assets you bring to the table—and thank God for helping to shape you and develop you.

But leaders must also learn to be painfully honest. We just don’t seem to get it. We trip over a weakness…a personality flaw…a sinful character trait…or something we can’t quite name yet. EVERY leader I know has lived with this reality. The ones who are healthy and finish well are not those who don’t have the flaw—they are leaders who have admitted the flaw and keep it in the battle zone.

To pretend we have moved past the Achilles heel of our leadership is to invite trouble. We don’t address it, so it can sneak up on us again. The enemy of your soul can—and will—use it against you time and again. I understand why we do that…because to keep it in front of us is tiring. It is discouraging. We want so badly to move past it, but there it is again. It sucks.

My blog. My confession. I only have one Achilles heel. Most leaders have more than one. I win—only one. But, this is mine.

I really don’t have any discipline. And, therefore, it has 84 sub points that affect every area of my life—personally, physically, spiritually, relationally, and as a leader. No discipline. My desk is a mess, my procrastination is rampant, my “to do” list is lost, my half-read books are piling up, and it is all old news.

I used to think it was a sign of my youthful energy, relational focus and flexible spirit. Yes, it was. But, it is deeper. It resides in me. I have talked about it, created systems to help deal with it, made sheets to minimize it and hired good people to help me with it. But, IT won’t go away. IT is my Achilles heel.

And you have one too. At least one. Do you know it? Are you working to minimize it? Are you pretending you have moved past it? Pretending won’t help. If you seek to be a leader who navigates the seasons of ministry, then brutal honesty is essential. If you can do that alone—great. But, it is likely you will need to talk out loud with someone about this thing. Have the courage to do that and you are on a healthier road. You will still have IT—but IT won’t own you. Your Achilles heel may still be with you, but you will be able to survive and thrive as a leader.

Peace,
Tiger

The Problem with Oppositional Thinking

I travel across the country and work with people from a wide variety of denominations. I have spoken about how “Vagueness is killing the church” in many of these settings. I have seen well-intentioned people only become clear and passionate when they are describing what they are AGAINST. Too often, we define many things by what they AREN’T. We often are clearer about what we don’t want to be than what we firmly believe in.

Some examples of this kind of thinking are: “I don’t want to be like those Baptist’s because they…” “I hate those ____________ because they ___________...” “Rob Bell is not one of us any more because he ____________.” Opposition is our focus, rather than passion and vision FOR something. I see it all the time in churches and in leadership. It sounds strong and clear, but in fact it often doesn’t go anywhere. It just stays negative. Its reference point is opposition, not clarity.

Vagueness does not produce passion. It leaves us loosely agreeing with something but having no clear understanding of how to live out the ideas. Oppositional thinking is similar because its only focus is the opposing view. Our energy is in the disagreement—not the clear articulation of my hopes, dreams and vision. The political rhetoric of the past year has had much of this flavor. Sadly, churches are not exempt from this kind of dialogue. Most churches—and church leaders—are much clearer on what they DON’T believe than what they actually DO believe.

So, my question for any of you who are leaders is, “What is it you are FOR? What produces passion in you? What are your hoped-for-outcomes? What are your core values?” Naming the things that get us going—in a positive way—is the key to a sustainable leader. Without these things, we are susceptible to the expectations of others, the demands of the job and the newest idea proposed at the convention.

Think hard about your theological and philosophical “big rocks”. What are the hills you really are ready to fight on—because you only have so many and you don’t want to waste them on things that don’t really matter.

May you and I gain clarity in our life and ministry. Not clarity about what other people are doing wrong—but about what we desperately want to work to accomplish. May our passion be positive and inspirational rather than negative and oppositional.

Peace,
Tiger

The Risk of Independence

I am an independent person. My dad taught me to tackle a job, work hard and finish it well. My independent strain has served me well at times. I have limped through tough times, but I have finished. Yes, I see some benefits for the independent spirit.

But, I have continued to see another side to this issue of independence. I have seen how it can lead to isolation. Its external focus on strength can, in fact, lead to an internal weakness because it doesn’t access the power of interdependence. Independence believes that I can do it by myself—but, the gospel continues to challenge us to much more of an interdependent perspective. That’s tough for some of us.

The problem with leadership is that it will affirm your independence all the way to the point of your emotional, relational and physical collapse. And, that is not a good place to be.

I think of Peter as he sat by the fire and denied that he even knew Jesus. That was a tough time for the vocal, committed disciple. He was sure that he would stand with Jesus even if every other one of them fell away…yet, here he was failing to have the strength to follow through. I think there are three reasons why Peter failed….and why independent people like me often fail.

1. He was alone. It’s pretty basic, but Peter was trying to do this all by himself. He was not accessing the power of the group. I have made the same mistake many times—I have just tried to do it myself. In the process, I miss hearing other perspectives, being strengthened by the faith of others, and being challenged to live out my words. He was alone—it sometimes is the kiss of death.

2. He was overconfident. He had told Jesus that He could count on him. Peter was sure he would hang in there until the end. That overconfidence is a great thing in one respect—it builds confidence in the followers. But, if it isn’t reality, then the crash is a big one. I have been there….trust me, it hurts.

3. He was unprepared. He had some idea of what the temptation or scene might look like, but he was clearly unprepared for what it REALLY was like. When he was staring at the eyes of his accuser, all his idealistic strength fell by the wayside. He simply wasn’t ready for the fear that was inside him.

Leadership can put us in places like this. We think we are ready for the conflicts with the parents, the critics in the youth group or the expectations of the staff. But, then reality hits and we find ourselves alone, overconfident and unprepared. It may not result in you denying Jesus, but it might show up in another painful experience.

Work on the interdependence necessary to fight these Peter tendencies. Find those places where you can be honest and face your issues. Yes, it takes some risk and might be scary. But, I can guarantee you that it isn’t as scary as facing your own failure.

Hacking up a Good Quote

I go to a physical therapist at least once a week as a part of my continued recovery. Over the past few months, we have chatted about a number of things--weather, jobs, families, etc. But, as I sat with her this morning, I was reminded again how vagueness is killing the church. We have created a culture where we simply don't know how to talk about our faith in conversational ways. And, we often use a really good quote to support our vagueness.

Even Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers fell into this idea on a video I saw recently. Here is the famous quote from St. Francis of Assisi: "Communicate the gospel at all times. If necessary, use words." Sounds good, doesn't it? And then comes the version I heard on the video--and hear all the time. It goes something like this: "Communicate the gospel at all times. Just let your life shine. Let your life communicate the gospel..."

Really? Seriously? My life--your life--is all it takes for people around us to know about God, understand who Jesus is, and begin to incorporate that into their life at all? REALLY? C'mon.....let's be honest. My life isn't that appealing to cover all the elements of the gospel. Sure, I am a nice guy--but destroying a good quote is only a cover for vagueness. It represents our fear of being specific--not a method of effective gospel proclamation.

USE WORDS IF NECESSARY. It is my contention that words ARE necessary. There needs to be an overt link from my actions--however wonderful they might be--and the fact that Christ is the center of it all. The recent study of youth spirituality in the National Study of Youth and Religion tells us that the average teenager has a vague spirituality that they can't articulate in any way. Duh....they get that from us.

My physical therapist is not going to link our conversations about general stuff to the elements of the gospel unless I help create a link....a conversational link. Yes, it is scary, but to think otherwise is to not just hack up a good quote--it is not helpful. So, we have talked about church. I have shown interest in her background, her present family situation, her kids, her questions and listened for her hopes. I have shared some elements of how church and faith have helped me with some of what she has shared. Today, she asked about where I went to church and wrote down the information. Will she come? I don't know. Will her life be transformed? I don't know. I can't control any of that. What I CAN control is creating a link from vagueness to clarity.

How do you use vagueness as an excuse to simply avoid saying something? Are the kids we have contact with understanding the gospel just by being around you? Is your life that convincing? If not, what would it look like to put some words into the formula? Let's keep listening to St. Francis...but be willing to do the whole quote--not just the vague part.

Keep living for Jesus. Use words if necessary!!!

Peace,
Tiger

My Rights and the TSA

Our former governor—good old Jesse Ventura—has just announced a lawsuit against the TSA for sexual harassment. He claims to have been violated and degraded by the required patdown in the security line.

Jesse Ventura is a symbol of our culture and represents the attitude built into an entitlement world. His claim of violation is indicative of a belief that I am the center of the world….and I should not be forced into anything that is uncomfortable or restricts my individual freedom. This is an extension of a narcissistic culture that has been growing over the past 30 years.

I am sorry Jesse—YOU don’t supersede the needs of the many. Your personal preference should not be the filter for a national security policy—in spite of your inflated sense of self. I wish that security patdowns were not necessary. I wish that a terror attack was not a possibility in our world. I wish that our airports were exempt from any risk of terrorism. But, reality tells us otherwise. The recent bombing in Russia reminds us that risk is part of our world today. I am sorry Jesse.

An entitlement mindset says that MY needs are most important. It is selfishness expressed—and Jesse Ventura is the poster child for a selfish worldview. I am not speaking from an abstract viewpoint on this—I have had to undergo these patdowns for the past 15 years because I have an implantable cardiac defibrillator. Every trip for me involves a personal experience with a security agent—and I have seen this develop after 9/11. Do I like them? No. Do I look forward to them? No.

But, let me say again: MY feelings don’t matter. The fact that I don’t like them is not the filter to determining a security policy in the United States. If this policy has been thought out and developed to protect people, then MY preference is not the determining issue. But, Jesse would like to change that. He would like to have the country change its policy for HIS personal preference. Interesting….

As a friend said: “If you think the security process is invasive…..try shrapnel.” Bingo. There is a bigger need here—and it may restrict your personal freedom just a bit. But, our culture is having a tough time knowing how to navigate this issue. Look around you and see how this selfish, entitlement attitude is affecting your teenagers…the families you work with…yourself.

Following Jesus is recognizing that God is calling us to put our needs as secondary to others….to serve….to love…and to think more than our own selfish orientation. It is calling us past an entitlement attitude. Jesus loves me and then challenges me to stop thinking as if the world should revolve around ME. I need to express this attitude in the TSA line, in my ministry and in my family. The Ventura lawsuit was my last straw….what is yours? How do YOU speak into an entitlement world? How do you see this attitude in your ministry? What can we do to impact this pervasive culture? I’d be curious to hear your thoughts.

End of the year thoughts

As we start 2011, there are many people reflecting on the “best” and the “worst” of this past year. I’ve read their thoughts on movies, music, TV, etc. I will not follow this vein, but I want to return to blogging with some thoughts as we start another year. So, in no particular order, here they are:

1. Leadership is a crazy mixture of the fun, the joyful and the really tough stuff.

For some reason, God has had me in leadership most of my adult life. I titled this blog “I should have been fired” because I am acutely aware of so many mistakes I have made over the years!! But, I am thinking again about how tough it is on youth ministry leaders because leadership simply is hard sometimes. Yes, it is a lot of fun in places—let’s admit it. We get to have loose schedules, work with great kids, eat lots of pizza, etc. But, I have been a follower and I have been a leader---and leadership is always harder. It puts us in the eye of the storm—whether that is a storm of our own making or simply by being part of a church or organization. Or, it might be simply that life is hard for those we minister to—and we get caught up in the pain of it all.

It is hard. So, do what you have to do to stay healthy. Hang in there. Breathe.

2. I am increasingly tired of simple answers and over-promises.

Complexity and tensions are tiring because it seems like we just wade through the muck of no answers. But, the addiction to simple answers increasingly frustrates me. Really? It will all be better with this one program, resource, weekend or pill? We intuitively know this can’t work….but we seem to be addicted to it all. Simple answers just sound so good to a tired, complex, frustrating world.
On the other end are the over-promises of ministry leaders and organizations. We all have been taught that marketing is the key—but, do we really need to go this far? Do we really need to make it sound like our ministry, our church; our organization is the answer to ALL your ministry problems? Cmon…

3. The economy is on everyone’s mind.

Yes, I know we are all spiritual and are here to simply serve God. Yet, I have seen the real implication of the recession as churches have cut staff, reduced programs and cut continuing education budgets. It is hitting churches and related organizations like Youth Leadership. It is real and we often don’t know how to talk about it.

4. The “youth and family ministry” buzzword is only adding stress to people.

While I fully acknowledge the value of ministry to families, I think we haven’t defined this target very well---and front-line people with unbelievably vague job descriptions are saddled with too many responsibilities without clarity. It is killing lots of folks.

And, behind it all, is a general frustration with what to DO with parents. How do we get them involved when they just want to drop their kids off for a little God on Wednesday? How do we really equip them for this complicated task of parenting when we often don’t feel equipped ourselves? How does the whole staff get involved in this goal and not just one person with “family” in their job description?

5. David Crowder or (insert your ministry hero here) may actually be your worst enemy!!

We are addicted to big names in ministry right now. And, it might be stealing our souls as leaders. We are waiting for this person to tell us what to do, how to do it, why we should do it…..and we have lost the joy of not knowing what we are doing!! Too often, I see leaders simply copying their hero—and not adapting it for their own context or personal strengths. We all have watched a worship leader painfully destroy a Crowder song haven’t we? But, handing out worksheets by (insert name) without adapting or evaluating them is just as painful.

Try a new thing, be willing to fail and get know your kids really well. Then, you can steal and adapt instead of just copying.

So, we head into 2011. I pray that you will hear the whisper of God in the midst of all the noise and activity around you. Listen for His passionate love for you, His relentless grace for you and His unique blessings He offers you.

God bless,

Tiger

Change is never neutral

Leadership is about the business of change—we think about it, talk about it, preach about it and are always looking for it. Without knowing it, change is a core aspect of what it means to be a leader. We are asking individuals, groups, churches and organizations to do something different—to CHANGE.

Think about it. How much of your preaching, teaching, study groups, visioning meetings, leadership planning has change in there somewhere? We want kids to think differently, act differently, be more caring, less hostile, read more, swear less, etc, etc. We want our churches to evangelize more, be more inviting, be less rigid, be more caring, drink better coffee, etc.

We are always thinking and talking about change. But, I would like to suggest something that we may forget. It is a simple phrase I never let go of:

CHANGE IS NEVER NEUTRAL

NEVER.

I don’t care if YOU think it is a great idea and are excited about it—to really implement ANY change is difficult. It costs something and it is why most of us talk about change in other people but do so little changing ourselves. Let’s be honest—we all resist change. That’s why most of us have quit making new years resolutions!!

And, it gets harder as you go from:
Changing your mind to Changing your attitudes to Changing your behavior to Changing institutional behavior.

Each level gets increasing complicated. Simple declarations and yelling at people just don’t seem to produce change—yet, we keep going back to these.

CHANGE IS NEVER NEUTRAL

Here are four mistakes young leaders often make when it comes to leading change that I would like for you to consider.

1. Only listening to the innovators. These are the creative people (a VERY small minority) who LOVE change. They stand in line for the iPhone4 and love your new ideas. But, they are weird…so you can’t only listen to them!!
2. Forgetting how important VISION is. You must declare the reason, the goal and the hoped for outcome of any change attempt. If THAT doesn’t capture them, the change will fall apart.
3. Not building a guiding coalition. If you want to lead change in an organization, you must get a wide variety of key people to buy into it, invest in it, and consistently preach it. Without this, your singular efforts will fall on deaf ears after a short while.
4. Taking resistance personally. We often see people’s resistance to change as a personal attack—instead of seeing it as a natural part of the human condition. We need to give a safe place to discuss the successes—and the failures—we have experienced as we all try to change. Without this safety, we all learn to fake it and pretend we are changing.

So, have I lost my idealism about change? No, not at all. I still believe that God is in the business of changing people. “I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation….and for helping people live righteously.” (my paraphrase of Rom. 1:16-17) God is calling us to change. I believe in it.

But, let’s not let our idealism get in the way of our practicality. Change is tough. We need to love people while they struggle with change, resist change and fall down in their attempts to change. Keep calling them back to the grace of God—but don’t stop CALLING them to something….to change. It is a great tension of the gospel.

Now…go change something.

Adrenaline masks pain way better than Percocet!!

This post does not have direct leadership application. There is no deep point to be uncovered—it is just too soon to pull anything out yet, but I need to share an experience.

If you have been paying attention, you know I have had a tough year with pain and surgeries. I learned a new lesson yesterday: Adrenaline masks pain way better than Percocet. Man, the body is amazing. AND, I got my miracle—even though it wasn’t the one I had been praying for. The miracle? I am alive.

Let me explain. I was the solo rider in a hotel shuttle on Sunday morning. We got onto the main road—a 4 lane road with stoplights. Just after getting up to speed the driver mentioned that he had a “neurological condition” and didn’t feel well. The next thing I knew—my driver was completely passed out!! I mean OUT COLD….no response at all.

Driver’s foot on the accelerator. 50 miles per hour. Car ahead. Non responsive driver. 4 elements that quickly caught my attention. I had to grab the steering wheel and avoid the car in front of us as we passed them. I managed to use my freshly operated on shoulder to pull his foot off the accelerator and put the transmission in neutral to help us slow down. In the meantime, we have gone through a stoplight—that was, fortunately, still green.

(My next decision as I see another stoplight coming up was a commitment to get this thing stopped.) As I noticed the next upcoming red stoplight, and blood pumped faster through my newly operated on heart, my commitment to get this thing stopped increased. The vehicle was an SUV with a floor console and bucket seats, yet I managed to climb over the console, sit on top of the driver—between him and the steering wheel—and hit the brake pedal, pull over to the side of the road and get the vehicle into park.

WHEW….I have to tell you that the adrenaline was running strong through the body. Lately, I have struggled with picking up anything, twisting in any way and grabbing anything with my hand. To be honest, I’m actually having physical pain while I type this. But, for a few minutes I was grabbing the wheel, pulling on a pants leg, and climbing over seats in a car. The body is amazing—to think we produce a chemical way better than what I bought at CVS.

This was a shuttle ride to remember. We both survived and I thanked God for the day. I mean, I REALLY was thankful…not just the Christian buzz phrase. I got my miracle…

Here is where my staff and I disagree on how to end the story. The true ending is that “buddy” came to, I drove the rest of the way to the airport, made sure he was ok and promised to call him later that day. And yes, I made my flight. People I tell this story to can’t believe I didn’t call 911 or this guy’s boss or SOMEONE! All I can say is that this seems to be business as usual for me. I joke that I’m good in crisis but not much else, and after I made my young driver promise he would call his doctor, I gave him a fatherly lecture on how to deal with his chronic condition. Next time, he simply needs to recognize his trigger symptoms faster!

I’m still trying to figure this one out. But I’m glad to be here and I look forward to what God has next.

Confidently Confused--Part Two

Another gap in the blog. Silence that says something—he either lacks discipline, has lost interest or something else that has taken over his life.

In this case it is the latter…and it moves me further along my journey with confident confusion. I wrote about this earlier, and the phrase continues to follow me. I have never had a season so filled with physical pain, limitations and reminders of my frailty. I am not a fan of any of these things—and I have prayed many times for God to help. I am an independent person, and this season has been a tough one for me. While there has been improvement over these past months, it just hasn’t been the miracle I have been looking for.

My wife got the miracle!!! Coming back from a mission trip, her group needed a miracle to get through security and make the connecting flight back home. (They were late returning from the BEACH, no less.) We talked on the phone and it was not looking good—but, sure enough, they flew through a wide open security line and found that their plane was at one of the closest gates at the Miami airport. 10 minutes from curb to gate!!! AMAZING. She claims a miracle from God!!

Very cool. And, I believe it. God IS at work in ways that surprise us. I am confident of this or I would believe less in the possibility of transformation in people’s lives. God is active, alive, loving and surprising us. God gets us through security lines. God touches our lives.

Then, I wake up this morning in pain again. Not progress….but regression. I take a break from typing this blog to try to shake out the pain in my forearm that grips me within a few minutes. I endured the reality of heart surgery in April, shoulder surgery in May and now a spinal fusion in a few short weeks. NONE of these things make me smile and say “thanks.”

The ministry of Youth Leadership has also experienced financial struggles this year. Programmatically, things are going well, but some funding requests were denied that meant a fiscal year in the “red”. We prayed hard for wisdom in setting this budget, direction in managing it and specifically for God to bless our efforts to meet it. But, in the end, nothing miraculous happened.

This is my point: Following Jesus is just not as clear as we want to make it. There are not formulas that work for everyone, rules that work for every parent, worksheets that explain every theological dilemma or answers to every question. And, if we are honest, that is a real pain in the neck for us.

The gap in the blog is part of my journey. I hope to revive some weekly thoughts for you. Thanks for the comments and personal notes you have sent. Can you relate to this struggle to find the ‘miracle’? Where are the stress points for you as a leader as you teach about your confidences while remain confused as a disciple? Where do you go with your doubts? Let me know—and we can both grow in our confident confusion.