The Struggle of Disappointment

Every leader will have to face the issue of disappointment. It is unavoidable because life and ministry never goes completely as we had hoped. The dictionary says that disappoint is: 1. to fail to meet the expectations, hopes, desires, or standards of; let down 2. to prevent the fulfilment of (a plan, intention, etc); frustrate; thwart

Sound familiar? Have you ever had kids fail to meet your expectations or hopes? Welcome to disappointment. How about that parents meeting you were so prepared for? We all work for imperfect churches or systems, so they result in times where we feel "let down", or they frustrate us with the roadblocks to our ideas. Welcome to disappointment.

The problem is that most leaders are ill-equipped to handle disappointment. We often are idealists--and can take the failure of expectations as a personal attack on our leadership. Disappointment is tiring...and discouraging. And leaders often don't know what to do with these feelings. So, we march on and pretend that we are o.k.

Of course, that works for a while--but, it always comes back to bite us. I have seen leaders leave a church thinking they were leaving the cause of disappointment, but the next church had new pockets of imperfection. We can't escape it.

And, what about when the disappointment is with God? THEN, it really gets tricky. We have a real hard time with this one. What if we feel like God isn't keeping His end of the bargain--How do we name that one? Kids aren't changing, attitudes still stink, the money isn't coming in, leaders aren't showing up, etc. We pray--but it still seems to be the same.

Oh, we can sound spiritual and pretend if we want. But, sometimes, we simply are disappointed with God. I am not talking about anger at God--rejection of God--or feeling like He isn't answering our prayers. I am talking about this sense that God COULD do more--and simply isn't for some reason.

Disappointment with God--and with aspects of ministry--has been in the forefront of my life over these past 16 months. As many know, I have struggled with pain every day since January of 2010. 3 surgeries, a blood clot, a swollen hand and now recurring pain in my hands and wrists make the simplest things extremely difficult. I have prayed. Friends have prayed. My church has prayed. People have laid hands on me. Yet, the outcome is not what I have hoped for. I am disappointed.

You can lay the guilt on me if you want--unconfessed sin, impure attitudes, etc. But, it doesn't work any more. It simply is.....I am disappointed. I am not giving up, preaching my doubts or walking away. I am simply naming the truth. We all are disappointed at times.

So, what do YOU do with this? How do YOU handle the reality that life, ministry, your job, parents, staff, your family, health, etc. doesn't always go the way that you want? What resources keep you faithful in the midst of disappointment? And, how/where can you be honest with all of this?

Every leader struggles with disappointment. How about you?

The Achilles Heel of the Leader

Every person—and every leader—has to come to grips with the reality of a recurring weakness that trips them up again and again. We can do our “Strength Finders” and name our personality assets—all of which is an important issue for a healthy leader. Work and lead out of your strengths—name the assets you bring to the table—and thank God for helping to shape you and develop you.

But leaders must also learn to be painfully honest. We just don’t seem to get it. We trip over a weakness…a personality flaw…a sinful character trait…or something we can’t quite name yet. EVERY leader I know has lived with this reality. The ones who are healthy and finish well are not those who don’t have the flaw—they are leaders who have admitted the flaw and keep it in the battle zone.

To pretend we have moved past the Achilles heel of our leadership is to invite trouble. We don’t address it, so it can sneak up on us again. The enemy of your soul can—and will—use it against you time and again. I understand why we do that…because to keep it in front of us is tiring. It is discouraging. We want so badly to move past it, but there it is again. It sucks.

My blog. My confession. I only have one Achilles heel. Most leaders have more than one. I win—only one. But, this is mine.

I really don’t have any discipline. And, therefore, it has 84 sub points that affect every area of my life—personally, physically, spiritually, relationally, and as a leader. No discipline. My desk is a mess, my procrastination is rampant, my “to do” list is lost, my half-read books are piling up, and it is all old news.

I used to think it was a sign of my youthful energy, relational focus and flexible spirit. Yes, it was. But, it is deeper. It resides in me. I have talked about it, created systems to help deal with it, made sheets to minimize it and hired good people to help me with it. But, IT won’t go away. IT is my Achilles heel.

And you have one too. At least one. Do you know it? Are you working to minimize it? Are you pretending you have moved past it? Pretending won’t help. If you seek to be a leader who navigates the seasons of ministry, then brutal honesty is essential. If you can do that alone—great. But, it is likely you will need to talk out loud with someone about this thing. Have the courage to do that and you are on a healthier road. You will still have IT—but IT won’t own you. Your Achilles heel may still be with you, but you will be able to survive and thrive as a leader.

Peace,
Tiger

The power of discouragement

"What we do not see, what most of us never suspect of existing, is the silent but irresistible power which comes to the rescue of those who fight on in the face of discouragement." – Napoleon Hill

All leaders wrestle with discouragement at some point in the journey. Sometimes it is after a committee meeting that saps your energy, or a meeting with an angry parent, or seeing that young person you have invested in slip away. It makes you wonder why you are doing this thing…and whether it really makes any difference.

I am not talking about depression—that deep, dark place that has clinical and medical implications. That is discouragement that has taken over and develops into something powerful and sinister. I am also not talking about the fleeting anger at a frustrating moment or person. I want to address this issue of discouragement—that place where we feel our energy is being sapped by too much output without any “rewards.” Discouragement is a very real issue that is often not talked about.

Too often, we think it will just pass. We just need to have a good quiet time tomorrow and we will feel better. But, discouragement is something to be faced and wrestled with. The Bible is filled with leaders who wrestled with the dark cloud that follows leaders—men like David, Job, and Jeremiah.

Some would say it all is Satan’s attack—and I certainly think that is true at times. Someone has said: “If the devil can’t make you bad, he will work to make you discouraged.” Certainly, discouragement saps the energy and focus from a Christian leader. It pulls us from God’s call to something much more personal and self-centered. Discouragement sucks the life out of us.

Others might say it is simply a sign of our egocentric personalities and our sin nature—which also holds truth. Or, it might be a consequence of other people’s actions…or lack of action. In any case, its effects are real. I would like to propose a couple of ideas as one who has wrestled with this more than once.

1. Name it: to pretend you aren’t discouraged is to lose any chance at letting others help you. Often a discouraged leader simply has lost sight of the vision of ministry—and holding that in will only make it worse.

2. Don’t Give Up: A season of discouragement is a terrible place to make major decisions. A leader needs to work through the season, find the causes and work on solutions before you try to make any major decisions about ministry.

3. Work on the Wide View: This is easy to say, but is crucial. Prayer and personal support can help a discouraged leader see the “God view” of things. Discouragement pulls you in and steals your perspective—find ways to back up, slow down and see another angle.

Galatians 6:9 says: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Good words to all of us.

What works for you when you are discouraged? How do you work through these seasons? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Hang in there!!

“The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes, and say, ‘O God, forgive me’, or ‘Help me.’” Billy Graham

The Tension of Leadership

I often say in my seminars that I have two leadership rules every leader must believe with everything they have.

1. It is NOT about you. This is the key to remembering the truth that this is all about what God is up to. It is God’s work that changes lives, changes hearts and makes our ministries fruitful. A leader must learn to relax and believe this in order to hang in there through the tough seasons of life. It is really not about you.

2. It’s about you. This competing reality is also 100% true—YOU MATTER. Leadership matters. God can do anything, but often He simply chooses to use us in the process—and therefore, we are part of the equation. We can do this poorly, miss opportunities and fail to do our leadership with any degree of effectiveness. It is about you.

I really believe both of these things. The second one is why we do leadership training, coaching and consulting. My life passion is to “educate, equip and encourage leaders in youth and family ministry.” That’s why Youth Leadership exists—because we think leaders matter. But, I never want to fall prey to believing that we carry it all. That is simply not true. But, the tension is the leader’s dilemma.

Let me give you a real-time, practical example. Right now, Youth Leadership is facing a significant financial deficit—the largest since I have been here. We are seeing great energy in our programs, in our evaluations and among our staff. It has been a great year in many respects, yet we are struggling in the financial area. A foundation that had been supporting us for the past three years ended that support last year. Even though we knew it was coming, it has impacted our finances because we haven’t found a source to replace that $35,000. We are struggling.

So, what do we do? What do I do? If I believe only rule #1—we will just trust and pray and continue on our way until May 31st comes. It sounds spiritual, and that is a good thing. If I start to rely only on rule #2—my effort—then, I will work harder, spend more time fundraising, meet with key donors and panic for the next 3 months!!

I am going to try the mix of the two. I am calling friends of Youth Leadership to participate in a “30 Days of Prayer” for YL—to insure that faithful people are praying for wisdom, discernment as we look at a variety of exciting possibilities, and fruit to come from grant proposals we have submitted, etc. Prayer acknowledges the reality that this is NOT about us. I have to admit this need to myself, and friends of YL. (By the way, Paul seemed to be very comfortable asking others to pray for him—but it is often hard for Christian leaders to do the same.)

While these people are praying, we will work on action steps, decisions and meetings. We will work hard while asking God to surprise us. Contradictory? Showing lack of faith? I don’t think so—but it is a valid question. Every leader has to wrestle with this tension. For the next 30 days, it will not be a nice theory for me, it will be my lifestyle. A few words come to mind: STOP. GO. BELIEVE. ACT. LISTEN. SPEAK. TRUST. DO.

Together, let’s live in the tension of trusting God and living out our lives as His children. Let's STOP and pray...then let's GO and act. Anyone else struggle with this tension?