The issue of family ministry has become a hot topic in our field. There have been many reactions against the “old” model of youth ministry that separated teenagers from their parents and had youth workers being the cool, fun person who worked only with young people. These are legitimate criticisms, but—as usual—we often react to something and swing the pendulum too far.

I would argue that this is the case with youth and family ministry. We have some serious problems as we try to address this issue of family systems, parenting in today’s culture and sharing faith to the next generation. There is a valid criticism of the ministry model that tries to replace parents as the primary faith-shapers of their children. The professionalism of youth ministry has created some problems—but simply saying that” home is church” is to miss the reality of our context.

Let’s be honest. The average parent in the average church is not equipped or has a clear vision of being the primary teacher of faith to their children. We can complain about that—or pretend it is not true—but I think that misses the reality. Most parents are not growing much spiritually, and they don’t have a plan for the spiritual growth of their children.

IF this is true—then creating a model that simply gives resources to ill-equipped and unprepared parents will not solve the problem. I would contend that only a whole church commitment to discipleship of all ages will begin to address the real issue. To have spiritual children, you need spiritual parents. And they need to be spiritual parents with a clear plan for shaping the faith of their children.

Churches must preach and teach in ways that help all ages really grow in their faith—in their life context. It means that parents need to be taught, reminded and challenged to take their role very seriously. They need to have places where they can think and develop their family goals that go beyond being a taxi driver to all of their kid’s activities—including the “God Box.” Parents are being duped by our culture—and our churches are often not speaking clearly into and against that culture. We simply let the values of consumerism steal our families, while we have one parent’s meeting in September.

We all say that parents are too busy to come to our training events—but that is letting the disease run the ministry. We let our families drink from the busyness Kool-Aid and don’t challenge the implications that affect every area of our lives—including our spiritual lives.

I am curious what you are doing in your context to actually help parents be more focused, more intentional and better equipped to faithfully raise their children to know, love and follow Jesus. I know it is hard. (By the way—YL is having a one-day seminar on “Ministering to Families” on Thursday, September 29th to continue this discussion.)

Peace,
Tiger

Happy New Year

After a long summer absence, I think it is time to get back to this blog. If you noticed the absence, then I am honored. If not, well—join the busy club!!

As we head into the fall, I am reminded that THIS has always been my New Year. January 1st has never held much for me except the turning of a calendar page and writing the wrong year on my checks (back when we had those paper checks) for a month or so.

As a youth worker, this is when new programs start, new leaders step up to the plate, new kids enter the program and new ideas are attempted. Fall is the start of everything new. This is true from a parent’s perspective as well—each child moves into a new school experience and the year feels different from last spring. And, of course, for kids—this is a new year as well. Some step into a new school, enter middle school for the first time, finally hit high school or are going off to college. It is all new—and new things are both exciting and a bit scary.

So, as your programs hit a new rhythm; and as your kids experience new things; and as families find something new this fall—my question is, “What’s new with YOU?”. Is all the new stuff just on the calendar….in the programs….and on the outside? Youth ministry is becoming addicted to a dizzying array of programs, speakers, rallies, conventions and anything with David Crowder. It is fairly easy to crank up something in these areas, but it may be tougher to hit the reset button in your personal or spiritual life.

In the midst of the craziness, leaders often forget to find time to connect to something new in their soul….and the pressure to fake it gets bigger and bigger. We have to stay with Jesus and find the space we need to listen…really listen to our souls.

It is a new year. I know we don’t make many New Year resolutions any more—but I wonder about each leader’s need to hit the reset button once in a while. What do you need to do this year that will keep you more focused—and more intentional in the hidden areas of your life? What do you need to start this fall to help you soul? What do you need to STOP doing to renew your spirit?

I wish I could give you 5 easy steps to having a great new year. That’s what we love in American Christianity today. But, I am just not there. Find your own answer to the healing you need. Don’t rush past it to the next program. Breathe….and wonder what you might need to do this year to have a really good year.

God bless…

The Struggle of Disappointment

Every leader will have to face the issue of disappointment. It is unavoidable because life and ministry never goes completely as we had hoped. The dictionary says that disappoint is: 1. to fail to meet the expectations, hopes, desires, or standards of; let down 2. to prevent the fulfilment of (a plan, intention, etc); frustrate; thwart

Sound familiar? Have you ever had kids fail to meet your expectations or hopes? Welcome to disappointment. How about that parents meeting you were so prepared for? We all work for imperfect churches or systems, so they result in times where we feel "let down", or they frustrate us with the roadblocks to our ideas. Welcome to disappointment.

The problem is that most leaders are ill-equipped to handle disappointment. We often are idealists--and can take the failure of expectations as a personal attack on our leadership. Disappointment is tiring...and discouraging. And leaders often don't know what to do with these feelings. So, we march on and pretend that we are o.k.

Of course, that works for a while--but, it always comes back to bite us. I have seen leaders leave a church thinking they were leaving the cause of disappointment, but the next church had new pockets of imperfection. We can't escape it.

And, what about when the disappointment is with God? THEN, it really gets tricky. We have a real hard time with this one. What if we feel like God isn't keeping His end of the bargain--How do we name that one? Kids aren't changing, attitudes still stink, the money isn't coming in, leaders aren't showing up, etc. We pray--but it still seems to be the same.

Oh, we can sound spiritual and pretend if we want. But, sometimes, we simply are disappointed with God. I am not talking about anger at God--rejection of God--or feeling like He isn't answering our prayers. I am talking about this sense that God COULD do more--and simply isn't for some reason.

Disappointment with God--and with aspects of ministry--has been in the forefront of my life over these past 16 months. As many know, I have struggled with pain every day since January of 2010. 3 surgeries, a blood clot, a swollen hand and now recurring pain in my hands and wrists make the simplest things extremely difficult. I have prayed. Friends have prayed. My church has prayed. People have laid hands on me. Yet, the outcome is not what I have hoped for. I am disappointed.

You can lay the guilt on me if you want--unconfessed sin, impure attitudes, etc. But, it doesn't work any more. It simply is.....I am disappointed. I am not giving up, preaching my doubts or walking away. I am simply naming the truth. We all are disappointed at times.

So, what do YOU do with this? How do YOU handle the reality that life, ministry, your job, parents, staff, your family, health, etc. doesn't always go the way that you want? What resources keep you faithful in the midst of disappointment? And, how/where can you be honest with all of this?

Every leader struggles with disappointment. How about you?

The Achilles Heel of the Leader

Every person—and every leader—has to come to grips with the reality of a recurring weakness that trips them up again and again. We can do our “Strength Finders” and name our personality assets—all of which is an important issue for a healthy leader. Work and lead out of your strengths—name the assets you bring to the table—and thank God for helping to shape you and develop you.

But leaders must also learn to be painfully honest. We just don’t seem to get it. We trip over a weakness…a personality flaw…a sinful character trait…or something we can’t quite name yet. EVERY leader I know has lived with this reality. The ones who are healthy and finish well are not those who don’t have the flaw—they are leaders who have admitted the flaw and keep it in the battle zone.

To pretend we have moved past the Achilles heel of our leadership is to invite trouble. We don’t address it, so it can sneak up on us again. The enemy of your soul can—and will—use it against you time and again. I understand why we do that…because to keep it in front of us is tiring. It is discouraging. We want so badly to move past it, but there it is again. It sucks.

My blog. My confession. I only have one Achilles heel. Most leaders have more than one. I win—only one. But, this is mine.

I really don’t have any discipline. And, therefore, it has 84 sub points that affect every area of my life—personally, physically, spiritually, relationally, and as a leader. No discipline. My desk is a mess, my procrastination is rampant, my “to do” list is lost, my half-read books are piling up, and it is all old news.

I used to think it was a sign of my youthful energy, relational focus and flexible spirit. Yes, it was. But, it is deeper. It resides in me. I have talked about it, created systems to help deal with it, made sheets to minimize it and hired good people to help me with it. But, IT won’t go away. IT is my Achilles heel.

And you have one too. At least one. Do you know it? Are you working to minimize it? Are you pretending you have moved past it? Pretending won’t help. If you seek to be a leader who navigates the seasons of ministry, then brutal honesty is essential. If you can do that alone—great. But, it is likely you will need to talk out loud with someone about this thing. Have the courage to do that and you are on a healthier road. You will still have IT—but IT won’t own you. Your Achilles heel may still be with you, but you will be able to survive and thrive as a leader.

Peace,
Tiger

The Problem with Oppositional Thinking

I travel across the country and work with people from a wide variety of denominations. I have spoken about how “Vagueness is killing the church” in many of these settings. I have seen well-intentioned people only become clear and passionate when they are describing what they are AGAINST. Too often, we define many things by what they AREN’T. We often are clearer about what we don’t want to be than what we firmly believe in.

Some examples of this kind of thinking are: “I don’t want to be like those Baptist’s because they…” “I hate those ____________ because they ___________...” “Rob Bell is not one of us any more because he ____________.” Opposition is our focus, rather than passion and vision FOR something. I see it all the time in churches and in leadership. It sounds strong and clear, but in fact it often doesn’t go anywhere. It just stays negative. Its reference point is opposition, not clarity.

Vagueness does not produce passion. It leaves us loosely agreeing with something but having no clear understanding of how to live out the ideas. Oppositional thinking is similar because its only focus is the opposing view. Our energy is in the disagreement—not the clear articulation of my hopes, dreams and vision. The political rhetoric of the past year has had much of this flavor. Sadly, churches are not exempt from this kind of dialogue. Most churches—and church leaders—are much clearer on what they DON’T believe than what they actually DO believe.

So, my question for any of you who are leaders is, “What is it you are FOR? What produces passion in you? What are your hoped-for-outcomes? What are your core values?” Naming the things that get us going—in a positive way—is the key to a sustainable leader. Without these things, we are susceptible to the expectations of others, the demands of the job and the newest idea proposed at the convention.

Think hard about your theological and philosophical “big rocks”. What are the hills you really are ready to fight on—because you only have so many and you don’t want to waste them on things that don’t really matter.

May you and I gain clarity in our life and ministry. Not clarity about what other people are doing wrong—but about what we desperately want to work to accomplish. May our passion be positive and inspirational rather than negative and oppositional.

Peace,
Tiger

The Risk of Independence

I am an independent person. My dad taught me to tackle a job, work hard and finish it well. My independent strain has served me well at times. I have limped through tough times, but I have finished. Yes, I see some benefits for the independent spirit.

But, I have continued to see another side to this issue of independence. I have seen how it can lead to isolation. Its external focus on strength can, in fact, lead to an internal weakness because it doesn’t access the power of interdependence. Independence believes that I can do it by myself—but, the gospel continues to challenge us to much more of an interdependent perspective. That’s tough for some of us.

The problem with leadership is that it will affirm your independence all the way to the point of your emotional, relational and physical collapse. And, that is not a good place to be.

I think of Peter as he sat by the fire and denied that he even knew Jesus. That was a tough time for the vocal, committed disciple. He was sure that he would stand with Jesus even if every other one of them fell away…yet, here he was failing to have the strength to follow through. I think there are three reasons why Peter failed….and why independent people like me often fail.

1. He was alone. It’s pretty basic, but Peter was trying to do this all by himself. He was not accessing the power of the group. I have made the same mistake many times—I have just tried to do it myself. In the process, I miss hearing other perspectives, being strengthened by the faith of others, and being challenged to live out my words. He was alone—it sometimes is the kiss of death.

2. He was overconfident. He had told Jesus that He could count on him. Peter was sure he would hang in there until the end. That overconfidence is a great thing in one respect—it builds confidence in the followers. But, if it isn’t reality, then the crash is a big one. I have been there….trust me, it hurts.

3. He was unprepared. He had some idea of what the temptation or scene might look like, but he was clearly unprepared for what it REALLY was like. When he was staring at the eyes of his accuser, all his idealistic strength fell by the wayside. He simply wasn’t ready for the fear that was inside him.

Leadership can put us in places like this. We think we are ready for the conflicts with the parents, the critics in the youth group or the expectations of the staff. But, then reality hits and we find ourselves alone, overconfident and unprepared. It may not result in you denying Jesus, but it might show up in another painful experience.

Work on the interdependence necessary to fight these Peter tendencies. Find those places where you can be honest and face your issues. Yes, it takes some risk and might be scary. But, I can guarantee you that it isn’t as scary as facing your own failure.

Hacking up a Good Quote

I go to a physical therapist at least once a week as a part of my continued recovery. Over the past few months, we have chatted about a number of things--weather, jobs, families, etc. But, as I sat with her this morning, I was reminded again how vagueness is killing the church. We have created a culture where we simply don't know how to talk about our faith in conversational ways. And, we often use a really good quote to support our vagueness.

Even Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers fell into this idea on a video I saw recently. Here is the famous quote from St. Francis of Assisi: "Communicate the gospel at all times. If necessary, use words." Sounds good, doesn't it? And then comes the version I heard on the video--and hear all the time. It goes something like this: "Communicate the gospel at all times. Just let your life shine. Let your life communicate the gospel..."

Really? Seriously? My life--your life--is all it takes for people around us to know about God, understand who Jesus is, and begin to incorporate that into their life at all? REALLY? C'mon.....let's be honest. My life isn't that appealing to cover all the elements of the gospel. Sure, I am a nice guy--but destroying a good quote is only a cover for vagueness. It represents our fear of being specific--not a method of effective gospel proclamation.

USE WORDS IF NECESSARY. It is my contention that words ARE necessary. There needs to be an overt link from my actions--however wonderful they might be--and the fact that Christ is the center of it all. The recent study of youth spirituality in the National Study of Youth and Religion tells us that the average teenager has a vague spirituality that they can't articulate in any way. Duh....they get that from us.

My physical therapist is not going to link our conversations about general stuff to the elements of the gospel unless I help create a link....a conversational link. Yes, it is scary, but to think otherwise is to not just hack up a good quote--it is not helpful. So, we have talked about church. I have shown interest in her background, her present family situation, her kids, her questions and listened for her hopes. I have shared some elements of how church and faith have helped me with some of what she has shared. Today, she asked about where I went to church and wrote down the information. Will she come? I don't know. Will her life be transformed? I don't know. I can't control any of that. What I CAN control is creating a link from vagueness to clarity.

How do you use vagueness as an excuse to simply avoid saying something? Are the kids we have contact with understanding the gospel just by being around you? Is your life that convincing? If not, what would it look like to put some words into the formula? Let's keep listening to St. Francis...but be willing to do the whole quote--not just the vague part.

Keep living for Jesus. Use words if necessary!!!

Peace,
Tiger

My Rights and the TSA

Our former governor—good old Jesse Ventura—has just announced a lawsuit against the TSA for sexual harassment. He claims to have been violated and degraded by the required patdown in the security line.

Jesse Ventura is a symbol of our culture and represents the attitude built into an entitlement world. His claim of violation is indicative of a belief that I am the center of the world….and I should not be forced into anything that is uncomfortable or restricts my individual freedom. This is an extension of a narcissistic culture that has been growing over the past 30 years.

I am sorry Jesse—YOU don’t supersede the needs of the many. Your personal preference should not be the filter for a national security policy—in spite of your inflated sense of self. I wish that security patdowns were not necessary. I wish that a terror attack was not a possibility in our world. I wish that our airports were exempt from any risk of terrorism. But, reality tells us otherwise. The recent bombing in Russia reminds us that risk is part of our world today. I am sorry Jesse.

An entitlement mindset says that MY needs are most important. It is selfishness expressed—and Jesse Ventura is the poster child for a selfish worldview. I am not speaking from an abstract viewpoint on this—I have had to undergo these patdowns for the past 15 years because I have an implantable cardiac defibrillator. Every trip for me involves a personal experience with a security agent—and I have seen this develop after 9/11. Do I like them? No. Do I look forward to them? No.

But, let me say again: MY feelings don’t matter. The fact that I don’t like them is not the filter to determining a security policy in the United States. If this policy has been thought out and developed to protect people, then MY preference is not the determining issue. But, Jesse would like to change that. He would like to have the country change its policy for HIS personal preference. Interesting….

As a friend said: “If you think the security process is invasive…..try shrapnel.” Bingo. There is a bigger need here—and it may restrict your personal freedom just a bit. But, our culture is having a tough time knowing how to navigate this issue. Look around you and see how this selfish, entitlement attitude is affecting your teenagers…the families you work with…yourself.

Following Jesus is recognizing that God is calling us to put our needs as secondary to others….to serve….to love…and to think more than our own selfish orientation. It is calling us past an entitlement attitude. Jesus loves me and then challenges me to stop thinking as if the world should revolve around ME. I need to express this attitude in the TSA line, in my ministry and in my family. The Ventura lawsuit was my last straw….what is yours? How do YOU speak into an entitlement world? How do you see this attitude in your ministry? What can we do to impact this pervasive culture? I’d be curious to hear your thoughts.

End of the year thoughts

As we start 2011, there are many people reflecting on the “best” and the “worst” of this past year. I’ve read their thoughts on movies, music, TV, etc. I will not follow this vein, but I want to return to blogging with some thoughts as we start another year. So, in no particular order, here they are:

1. Leadership is a crazy mixture of the fun, the joyful and the really tough stuff.

For some reason, God has had me in leadership most of my adult life. I titled this blog “I should have been fired” because I am acutely aware of so many mistakes I have made over the years!! But, I am thinking again about how tough it is on youth ministry leaders because leadership simply is hard sometimes. Yes, it is a lot of fun in places—let’s admit it. We get to have loose schedules, work with great kids, eat lots of pizza, etc. But, I have been a follower and I have been a leader---and leadership is always harder. It puts us in the eye of the storm—whether that is a storm of our own making or simply by being part of a church or organization. Or, it might be simply that life is hard for those we minister to—and we get caught up in the pain of it all.

It is hard. So, do what you have to do to stay healthy. Hang in there. Breathe.

2. I am increasingly tired of simple answers and over-promises.

Complexity and tensions are tiring because it seems like we just wade through the muck of no answers. But, the addiction to simple answers increasingly frustrates me. Really? It will all be better with this one program, resource, weekend or pill? We intuitively know this can’t work….but we seem to be addicted to it all. Simple answers just sound so good to a tired, complex, frustrating world.
On the other end are the over-promises of ministry leaders and organizations. We all have been taught that marketing is the key—but, do we really need to go this far? Do we really need to make it sound like our ministry, our church; our organization is the answer to ALL your ministry problems? Cmon…

3. The economy is on everyone’s mind.

Yes, I know we are all spiritual and are here to simply serve God. Yet, I have seen the real implication of the recession as churches have cut staff, reduced programs and cut continuing education budgets. It is hitting churches and related organizations like Youth Leadership. It is real and we often don’t know how to talk about it.

4. The “youth and family ministry” buzzword is only adding stress to people.

While I fully acknowledge the value of ministry to families, I think we haven’t defined this target very well---and front-line people with unbelievably vague job descriptions are saddled with too many responsibilities without clarity. It is killing lots of folks.

And, behind it all, is a general frustration with what to DO with parents. How do we get them involved when they just want to drop their kids off for a little God on Wednesday? How do we really equip them for this complicated task of parenting when we often don’t feel equipped ourselves? How does the whole staff get involved in this goal and not just one person with “family” in their job description?

5. David Crowder or (insert your ministry hero here) may actually be your worst enemy!!

We are addicted to big names in ministry right now. And, it might be stealing our souls as leaders. We are waiting for this person to tell us what to do, how to do it, why we should do it…..and we have lost the joy of not knowing what we are doing!! Too often, I see leaders simply copying their hero—and not adapting it for their own context or personal strengths. We all have watched a worship leader painfully destroy a Crowder song haven’t we? But, handing out worksheets by (insert name) without adapting or evaluating them is just as painful.

Try a new thing, be willing to fail and get know your kids really well. Then, you can steal and adapt instead of just copying.

So, we head into 2011. I pray that you will hear the whisper of God in the midst of all the noise and activity around you. Listen for His passionate love for you, His relentless grace for you and His unique blessings He offers you.

God bless,

Tiger