Change is never neutral

Leadership is about the business of change—we think about it, talk about it, preach about it and are always looking for it. Without knowing it, change is a core aspect of what it means to be a leader. We are asking individuals, groups, churches and organizations to do something different—to CHANGE.

Think about it. How much of your preaching, teaching, study groups, visioning meetings, leadership planning has change in there somewhere? We want kids to think differently, act differently, be more caring, less hostile, read more, swear less, etc, etc. We want our churches to evangelize more, be more inviting, be less rigid, be more caring, drink better coffee, etc.

We are always thinking and talking about change. But, I would like to suggest something that we may forget. It is a simple phrase I never let go of:

CHANGE IS NEVER NEUTRAL

NEVER.

I don’t care if YOU think it is a great idea and are excited about it—to really implement ANY change is difficult. It costs something and it is why most of us talk about change in other people but do so little changing ourselves. Let’s be honest—we all resist change. That’s why most of us have quit making new years resolutions!!

And, it gets harder as you go from:
Changing your mind to Changing your attitudes to Changing your behavior to Changing institutional behavior.

Each level gets increasing complicated. Simple declarations and yelling at people just don’t seem to produce change—yet, we keep going back to these.

CHANGE IS NEVER NEUTRAL

Here are four mistakes young leaders often make when it comes to leading change that I would like for you to consider.

1. Only listening to the innovators. These are the creative people (a VERY small minority) who LOVE change. They stand in line for the iPhone4 and love your new ideas. But, they are weird…so you can’t only listen to them!!
2. Forgetting how important VISION is. You must declare the reason, the goal and the hoped for outcome of any change attempt. If THAT doesn’t capture them, the change will fall apart.
3. Not building a guiding coalition. If you want to lead change in an organization, you must get a wide variety of key people to buy into it, invest in it, and consistently preach it. Without this, your singular efforts will fall on deaf ears after a short while.
4. Taking resistance personally. We often see people’s resistance to change as a personal attack—instead of seeing it as a natural part of the human condition. We need to give a safe place to discuss the successes—and the failures—we have experienced as we all try to change. Without this safety, we all learn to fake it and pretend we are changing.

So, have I lost my idealism about change? No, not at all. I still believe that God is in the business of changing people. “I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation….and for helping people live righteously.” (my paraphrase of Rom. 1:16-17) God is calling us to change. I believe in it.

But, let’s not let our idealism get in the way of our practicality. Change is tough. We need to love people while they struggle with change, resist change and fall down in their attempts to change. Keep calling them back to the grace of God—but don’t stop CALLING them to something….to change. It is a great tension of the gospel.

Now…go change something.

Adrenaline masks pain way better than Percocet!!

This post does not have direct leadership application. There is no deep point to be uncovered—it is just too soon to pull anything out yet, but I need to share an experience.

If you have been paying attention, you know I have had a tough year with pain and surgeries. I learned a new lesson yesterday: Adrenaline masks pain way better than Percocet. Man, the body is amazing. AND, I got my miracle—even though it wasn’t the one I had been praying for. The miracle? I am alive.

Let me explain. I was the solo rider in a hotel shuttle on Sunday morning. We got onto the main road—a 4 lane road with stoplights. Just after getting up to speed the driver mentioned that he had a “neurological condition” and didn’t feel well. The next thing I knew—my driver was completely passed out!! I mean OUT COLD….no response at all.

Driver’s foot on the accelerator. 50 miles per hour. Car ahead. Non responsive driver. 4 elements that quickly caught my attention. I had to grab the steering wheel and avoid the car in front of us as we passed them. I managed to use my freshly operated on shoulder to pull his foot off the accelerator and put the transmission in neutral to help us slow down. In the meantime, we have gone through a stoplight—that was, fortunately, still green.

(My next decision as I see another stoplight coming up was a commitment to get this thing stopped.) As I noticed the next upcoming red stoplight, and blood pumped faster through my newly operated on heart, my commitment to get this thing stopped increased. The vehicle was an SUV with a floor console and bucket seats, yet I managed to climb over the console, sit on top of the driver—between him and the steering wheel—and hit the brake pedal, pull over to the side of the road and get the vehicle into park.

WHEW….I have to tell you that the adrenaline was running strong through the body. Lately, I have struggled with picking up anything, twisting in any way and grabbing anything with my hand. To be honest, I’m actually having physical pain while I type this. But, for a few minutes I was grabbing the wheel, pulling on a pants leg, and climbing over seats in a car. The body is amazing—to think we produce a chemical way better than what I bought at CVS.

This was a shuttle ride to remember. We both survived and I thanked God for the day. I mean, I REALLY was thankful…not just the Christian buzz phrase. I got my miracle…

Here is where my staff and I disagree on how to end the story. The true ending is that “buddy” came to, I drove the rest of the way to the airport, made sure he was ok and promised to call him later that day. And yes, I made my flight. People I tell this story to can’t believe I didn’t call 911 or this guy’s boss or SOMEONE! All I can say is that this seems to be business as usual for me. I joke that I’m good in crisis but not much else, and after I made my young driver promise he would call his doctor, I gave him a fatherly lecture on how to deal with his chronic condition. Next time, he simply needs to recognize his trigger symptoms faster!

I’m still trying to figure this one out. But I’m glad to be here and I look forward to what God has next.

Confidently Confused--Part Two

Another gap in the blog. Silence that says something—he either lacks discipline, has lost interest or something else that has taken over his life.

In this case it is the latter…and it moves me further along my journey with confident confusion. I wrote about this earlier, and the phrase continues to follow me. I have never had a season so filled with physical pain, limitations and reminders of my frailty. I am not a fan of any of these things—and I have prayed many times for God to help. I am an independent person, and this season has been a tough one for me. While there has been improvement over these past months, it just hasn’t been the miracle I have been looking for.

My wife got the miracle!!! Coming back from a mission trip, her group needed a miracle to get through security and make the connecting flight back home. (They were late returning from the BEACH, no less.) We talked on the phone and it was not looking good—but, sure enough, they flew through a wide open security line and found that their plane was at one of the closest gates at the Miami airport. 10 minutes from curb to gate!!! AMAZING. She claims a miracle from God!!

Very cool. And, I believe it. God IS at work in ways that surprise us. I am confident of this or I would believe less in the possibility of transformation in people’s lives. God is active, alive, loving and surprising us. God gets us through security lines. God touches our lives.

Then, I wake up this morning in pain again. Not progress….but regression. I take a break from typing this blog to try to shake out the pain in my forearm that grips me within a few minutes. I endured the reality of heart surgery in April, shoulder surgery in May and now a spinal fusion in a few short weeks. NONE of these things make me smile and say “thanks.”

The ministry of Youth Leadership has also experienced financial struggles this year. Programmatically, things are going well, but some funding requests were denied that meant a fiscal year in the “red”. We prayed hard for wisdom in setting this budget, direction in managing it and specifically for God to bless our efforts to meet it. But, in the end, nothing miraculous happened.

This is my point: Following Jesus is just not as clear as we want to make it. There are not formulas that work for everyone, rules that work for every parent, worksheets that explain every theological dilemma or answers to every question. And, if we are honest, that is a real pain in the neck for us.

The gap in the blog is part of my journey. I hope to revive some weekly thoughts for you. Thanks for the comments and personal notes you have sent. Can you relate to this struggle to find the ‘miracle’? Where are the stress points for you as a leader as you teach about your confidences while remain confused as a disciple? Where do you go with your doubts? Let me know—and we can both grow in our confident confusion.

It's been a while

I was going to just try to jump in and begin this blog again--pretending that the gap of the last month didn't really happen. I was going to share something inspirational or humorous and we would just go on. I don't want to make this whole blogging thing another, longer version of Twitter. (The most egocentric invention ever)

But, the gap of a month is fairly obvious--even if you are the vast majority that doesn't really care if I post with legalistic commitment every week. It begs the question: "What the heck have you been up to?" So, rather than ignore it, I suppose it is necessary to acknowledge it.

Leadership involves living with the urgent demands of things while working on the important things that may not scream for our attention. It is a constant struggle to balance these things. The urgent things may not be important--they just might be loud and grab your attention. The important things often don't scream at you--but they need to be addressed. Of course, if you procrastinate long enough, then the important thing WILL scream...and it is a terrifying noise at that point!!

Urgent and Important. Discerning which is which is a leadership skill. The urgent AND important must be addressed right now with energy and clarity. This is not negotiable and is often defined as a crisis. The important and not urgent needs discipline to focus on--these require commitment. These are things like spiritual growth, relationships, exercise, etc. We know these--but often let them slide.

The past month has been a huge lesson in this issue of urgent and important. My struggles with pain have been urgent and affected many areas of my life. (Including the time I could take sitting in front of a computer). But, it has also reminded me of the important things along the journey. These are not new things or new lessons, but small reminders of how much God wants us to address the IMPORTANT things in our relationship with Him, ourselves, our family and our friends.

Pain is a tiring companion. But, I have not walked it alone. I have appreciated the care and concern from friends and family. We simply can't walk this journey alone. We need others to help us discern the important from the urgent. Think about these two--and strategies you need to develop to separate them in your life and your calendar.

God bless,
Tiger

The power of discouragement

"What we do not see, what most of us never suspect of existing, is the silent but irresistible power which comes to the rescue of those who fight on in the face of discouragement." – Napoleon Hill

All leaders wrestle with discouragement at some point in the journey. Sometimes it is after a committee meeting that saps your energy, or a meeting with an angry parent, or seeing that young person you have invested in slip away. It makes you wonder why you are doing this thing…and whether it really makes any difference.

I am not talking about depression—that deep, dark place that has clinical and medical implications. That is discouragement that has taken over and develops into something powerful and sinister. I am also not talking about the fleeting anger at a frustrating moment or person. I want to address this issue of discouragement—that place where we feel our energy is being sapped by too much output without any “rewards.” Discouragement is a very real issue that is often not talked about.

Too often, we think it will just pass. We just need to have a good quiet time tomorrow and we will feel better. But, discouragement is something to be faced and wrestled with. The Bible is filled with leaders who wrestled with the dark cloud that follows leaders—men like David, Job, and Jeremiah.

Some would say it all is Satan’s attack—and I certainly think that is true at times. Someone has said: “If the devil can’t make you bad, he will work to make you discouraged.” Certainly, discouragement saps the energy and focus from a Christian leader. It pulls us from God’s call to something much more personal and self-centered. Discouragement sucks the life out of us.

Others might say it is simply a sign of our egocentric personalities and our sin nature—which also holds truth. Or, it might be a consequence of other people’s actions…or lack of action. In any case, its effects are real. I would like to propose a couple of ideas as one who has wrestled with this more than once.

1. Name it: to pretend you aren’t discouraged is to lose any chance at letting others help you. Often a discouraged leader simply has lost sight of the vision of ministry—and holding that in will only make it worse.

2. Don’t Give Up: A season of discouragement is a terrible place to make major decisions. A leader needs to work through the season, find the causes and work on solutions before you try to make any major decisions about ministry.

3. Work on the Wide View: This is easy to say, but is crucial. Prayer and personal support can help a discouraged leader see the “God view” of things. Discouragement pulls you in and steals your perspective—find ways to back up, slow down and see another angle.

Galatians 6:9 says: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Good words to all of us.

What works for you when you are discouraged? How do you work through these seasons? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Hang in there!!

“The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes, and say, ‘O God, forgive me’, or ‘Help me.’” Billy Graham

Confidently Confused

If you noticed--it has been two weeks since my last post. If you noticed--I am impressed!! The reason is that this past week has been a tough one. I found out on February 26 that I have a blood clot in a vein in my left arm. I was in a lot of pain, had to give myself injections twice a day for 5 days and pretty tired all of last week, so the thought of getting in front of a computer and blogging just didn't work for me.

I recovered enough to go on our Senior High Winter Retreat with my church. (That is for another post!!) The topic was prayer--and I came up with a phrase that summarizes much of my spiritual life and prayer: I am "Confidently Confused"

con•fi•dent –adjective

1. having strong belief or full assurance; sure.

con•fused -adjective

1. perplexed or bewildered

Although not often used together, let me suggest that following Jesus often includes both of these things. Even the disciples in Acts 2:12 got into the mix: "Amazed and perplexed, they asked each other, 'What does that mean'?"

I am confident that what is happening is of God. He has his hand in my life and I have often experienced a peace that I can’t quite describe. I often have a full assurance that all the details of my life, leadership and ministry will work out. I am sure of God's blessing and full of confidence in the promises of God. Just when the talk is about to sound like "The Bourne Supremacy" and everything macho, I am aware of how little I know. I become confident only that I am confused.

I am confused because God works in ways I could never have imagined. I am confused because it’s not what I expected. I didn't see the blood clot coming--just as we were starting a "30 Days of Prayer for Youth Leadership." I don't see the big picture of a loss of a brother-in-law, a heart disease, struggles in the leadership world, an upcoming surgery, and significant pain issues. I don’t know how this all will play out, and that is sometimes confusing. The process of following Jesus is often confusing, but it continues to make me confident in the awesomeness of God.

It feels good to be confidently confused.

It forces me to remember who is in charge and enjoy watching God at work. Maybe I am getting more comfortable admitting the confusion--which we often hide in our churches. It doesn't mean I preach my doubts, but I am not afraid of them as much. A strong leader is not necessarily without confusion, but a strong leader knows his/her confidences.

Hang in there on the journey. Build on your confidences and the promises of God, but admit the areas of weakness. God is at work in both.

Peace,
Tiger

The Tension of Leadership

I often say in my seminars that I have two leadership rules every leader must believe with everything they have.

1. It is NOT about you. This is the key to remembering the truth that this is all about what God is up to. It is God’s work that changes lives, changes hearts and makes our ministries fruitful. A leader must learn to relax and believe this in order to hang in there through the tough seasons of life. It is really not about you.

2. It’s about you. This competing reality is also 100% true—YOU MATTER. Leadership matters. God can do anything, but often He simply chooses to use us in the process—and therefore, we are part of the equation. We can do this poorly, miss opportunities and fail to do our leadership with any degree of effectiveness. It is about you.

I really believe both of these things. The second one is why we do leadership training, coaching and consulting. My life passion is to “educate, equip and encourage leaders in youth and family ministry.” That’s why Youth Leadership exists—because we think leaders matter. But, I never want to fall prey to believing that we carry it all. That is simply not true. But, the tension is the leader’s dilemma.

Let me give you a real-time, practical example. Right now, Youth Leadership is facing a significant financial deficit—the largest since I have been here. We are seeing great energy in our programs, in our evaluations and among our staff. It has been a great year in many respects, yet we are struggling in the financial area. A foundation that had been supporting us for the past three years ended that support last year. Even though we knew it was coming, it has impacted our finances because we haven’t found a source to replace that $35,000. We are struggling.

So, what do we do? What do I do? If I believe only rule #1—we will just trust and pray and continue on our way until May 31st comes. It sounds spiritual, and that is a good thing. If I start to rely only on rule #2—my effort—then, I will work harder, spend more time fundraising, meet with key donors and panic for the next 3 months!!

I am going to try the mix of the two. I am calling friends of Youth Leadership to participate in a “30 Days of Prayer” for YL—to insure that faithful people are praying for wisdom, discernment as we look at a variety of exciting possibilities, and fruit to come from grant proposals we have submitted, etc. Prayer acknowledges the reality that this is NOT about us. I have to admit this need to myself, and friends of YL. (By the way, Paul seemed to be very comfortable asking others to pray for him—but it is often hard for Christian leaders to do the same.)

While these people are praying, we will work on action steps, decisions and meetings. We will work hard while asking God to surprise us. Contradictory? Showing lack of faith? I don’t think so—but it is a valid question. Every leader has to wrestle with this tension. For the next 30 days, it will not be a nice theory for me, it will be my lifestyle. A few words come to mind: STOP. GO. BELIEVE. ACT. LISTEN. SPEAK. TRUST. DO.

Together, let’s live in the tension of trusting God and living out our lives as His children. Let's STOP and pray...then let's GO and act. Anyone else struggle with this tension?

The Power of Silence

Each year I attempt to take 2-3 days for a personal retreat from my normal, busy world. I don’t always succeed—but the routine is a good one. It is not a “super-spiritual” retreat with total silence, only fruit and granola and a Bible. No, I am too worldly for that….

My retreats include three areas: Spiritual, Personal and Ministry. I bring lots of things to “do” in each area—more than I could do in a week of retreats!! But, I live in the tension of the possible, and see what God brings to the surface. I have a computer—and am writing this now as I sit in my room. It is not a total exclusion of the world around me, but the time stops me enough to remind me of some things.

In this tradition is always silence. No radios, TVs, ipods or internet. Silence….that mysterious space we so often avoid. As an extrovert, I process information verbally, grow spiritually in conversations, get energy in connections and simply enjoy interactions with other people. But, as always, we are called into new territory if growth is our real concern. To do the same thing is not always a bad thing—but it is a bad thing to never do a new thing.

And so silence is part of my new thing each year. Not that I don’t do silence during the year—it is just a more intentional, extended, deep and reflective silence I experience here. It draws me and repels me at the same time. My insecurities creep to the surface and begin to whisper in my ear. My hurts surprise me with the fact that there remains some healing that I may have ignored. My fears and lack of faith in God—the real, honest lack of faith…not the false, verbal assurances I proclaim in public—haunt me around the edges of the silence.

But, there is healing inside the whispering, the haunting and surprises. There is truth to be heard—real truth spoken to the soul. There is a rock we can be sure of when our life feels shaky. It is what we long for, but often miss.

Youth ministry is a loud, fast world. I love it—and the people who inhabit that world. Thanks for being one of them. But, I worry about our souls because the whisper of God is often missed in the volume, the pace and the vast amounts of pizza. If you are a disciplined, reflective introvert reading this—please be patient with the rest of us. If you are a normal youth worker who complains because you are feeling dry today—stop complaining and get your calendar out. Make a day, or at least a half-day to go away. Find a retreat center, or a friends church with a small chapel. Don’t do a coffee shop, your house or your office…it always sounds like a good idea, but doesn’t work for this kind of intentional silence. Break free to STOP…and see what happens.

You might be pleased and bothered by it all. But, you will have stopped—and that is good in itself. Listen for the quiet whisper of God telling you that He is with you, loves you and still wants to use you. Be willing to hear the challenge from God that we can so easily ignore in the busyness. Whatever it is, stop and listen. Stop and listen.

Peace in Christ, Tiger

Pain

Pain has hit me again. This time is was physical pain--a shoulder that could not be ignored any more. It screamed for my attention even throughout the night at hourly intervals. It disrupted my normal pattern, sapped my energy and drained my strength. I have lived with it for years as an on-again, off-again reminder of a nagging injury. But, this weekend was not a back-burner issue. It became a demanding partner that would not let go of me, and frankly, really disrupted my plans for the weekend.

The week before Christmas it was relational pain as I lost my 51 year old brother in law as he had surgery for a heart problem suddenly diagnosed. Pain took hold of his family as they suffered the loss of a husband, father, brother and son. It was brutal to be a part of this kind of pain. For this family--the pain was magnified because of the love they had for one another, the positive relationships in the family, and the closeness they experienced with one another. Pain screamed for their attention.

We see pain as the enemy. We drug it, deny it, stay busy to ignore it and pray for a band-aid to cover it. But, we often don't really deal with it and see what we can learn from it. I am certainly not one to say I'm glad when pain comes my way. But, our avoidance of it without reflection often does us no good as leaders and as followers of Jesus. It circumvents the learning process when we make our theology be all about avoiding pain.

It is interesting that the Bible doesn't seem to buy into this idea. The writers of Scripture lament openly about pain, cry out to God in honest pain and even wonder out loud if God is around during it all. Good, honest stuff. And the good news is that God is bigger than our perspective on pain--and can meet us in and through it all. Scripture is full of folks who have learned that lesson, and we need to be reminded of it in our world today.

Life is hard at times. Pain screams at us. Sometimes the pain is physical--sometimes relational or emotional. Whatever the pain, I pray that you avoid the blaming and running. Face it, name it and seek to find God in it. Is God the rock in the midst of the pain, or the rescue attempt to get out of the pain?

I Should Have Been Fired...Part One

What was I thinking? We packed 40-60 kids onto a haywagon and drove from the house to the church—and from the church to the boat landing over 4 miles away!!! No railings or seat belts. Just kids, loud music and a rockin’ good time.

What was I thinking? It seemed like such a good idea at the time. I should have been fired.

Can you relate? Oh, sure some of my mistakes—and yours—make for really funny stories now. Unfortunately, I think I have more than my fair share of mistakes. But so do you. I actually want to collect them because we youth workers are famous for not thinking clearly—for letting our weird ideas take us too far.

Mike Yaconelli used to say: “If you are a youth worker, and your church hasn’t made a rule because of your ministry—then you aren’t a very good youth worker!!” I love that.

Some of my mistakes are funny. Some are not. Some cause me to smile and ask “What was I thinking?” But, others cause me distress to this day—and I wonder “What was I thinking?” My leadership has been filled with the potholes of naivete, lack of focus, spontaneous unpreparedness, misplaced optimism as well as my own ego and sinful nature. It is all there.

And yet, here I stand. Like others before me, I can only go back to God’s grace. It is an old theme—found in the pages of the Bible—but fleshed out in the lives of many of us today. It is my reality as I write to you. I remain a mess, but God continues to use and refine me.

Wherever you are today, don’t stray too far from grace. It is a good church word—but it is filled with everything you need to stand firm as a leader, and remain true to your calling. I should have been fired—but God hasn’t fired me yet. It keeps me passionate about working with imperfect leaders who work for imperfect churches led by imperfect pastors.

Send me some of your mistakes and really dumb ideas!! I would love to collect them and post them for our mutual encouragement, humor, and reminder that someone else out there wasn’t thinking clearly either!!

Vagueness is killing the church

The directions to the first-time boat owner said: “Be sure that the trailer wheels get into the water.” The result of his attempt is recorded...

I love that because that is what I see in the church all the time. Vagueness is killing the church. Vague ideas…vague mission statements...vague theology with extremely vague applications. It all sounds good and has nice imagery like love, grace, light, hope and god. But, my problem as a leader is that there is rarely any TRACTION under it all. It puts us in the ballpark, but we just can’t play the game with the vague concepts we throw around.

I know that almost every leader hopes that their ministry makes a difference. Every parent I know hopes that their kids turn out ok. Every church I know hopes that their programs help people. But, I want to remind you of an important truth: “HOPE IS NOT A STRATEGY.” God bless you for the feeling, but hope will only carry you so far.

Effective leadership is not vague. It is practical and connected to a context. You are a leader in a real situation with real people. Theory will not cut it, but we fall back on generalities too often. Churches rely on words that vaguely tell the story of God, but don’t unpack it for their people…don’t connect it to the real world….and don’t wrestle with specific applications.

For some it is because we don’t want to be “legalistic” and tell people what they must do. So, we resist any application and keep it vague so that it will sound good. For others, it is too avoid getting messy with the real world, so we keep the truth at a distance. Whatever the reason, we must realize the vagueness misses the point.

There simply is no passion in vagueness. There is no application in vagueness. And, we lose Jesus in vagueness.

If we are in youth ministry leadership, we are coming alongside real people with real issues who want to find out if a real God is anywhere to be found. A vague idea—even if it has a bible verse attached—is not going to be helpful. Our role is to have core values that we can articulate to young people and their parents. Our role calls us to teach things in ways that people can understand…and that they can apply into their lives.

It is a high calling—and the reason why I write this blog. I want leaders who are passionate about youth ministry, clear about their mission, and strategic about their context. There is much to learn.

Work on clarity so that the right wheels go in the water.

To Save a Life

Youth ministry is more than being fun with kids, running a few cool events and using “The Message” translation of the Bible!! In today’s world, it includes coming alongside of ever-increasing numbers of teenagers who are at-risk and struggling with life. It is real and raw in youth ministry today.

If you are one of the weird adults who wants to be a godly, caring presence in the lives of teenagers…you will be thrown into issues that can be scary and overwhelming. The upcoming movie “To Save a Life” will address many of these issues—and may give you and your ministry a chance to have some deep conversations. That sounds good, but the problem is—they may be honest conversations about real life and real pain.

Without giving you a counseling curriculum, I wanted to give you a few ideas on how you can go from Good Intentions to Helpful Actions. We teach a 3 day COUNSEL class at Youth Leadership—and I have learned a lot from my co-teacher, Dr. Kevin Harrington. Much of what I will share is stolen or adapted from him!! If you or your volunteers come alongside of teenagers with only good intentions, you might be more dangerous than helpful. And having a bible verse doesn’t make you any better….sorry.

So, here are few ideas to add to your good intentions:

Know why you are there.
Be real clear on what your role is when you talk to kids. Get rid of any focus on fixing the problem, controlling their response or solving the tension they are feeling.
Your job is to love them…listen to them…stay with them. To do more is usually to help US feel better—and that is NOT why you are there.
So, when a teen says “My parents are getting a divorce”, you need to be clear about what your role is. Don’t jump to the bible right away—don’t try to fix it or give an easy answer.

Name it
Naming the issue at hand is incredibly healing. It doesn’t fix it, but it gets it out in the open. Caring for another person is getting them to name the issue, struggle, concern or fear. It is also a possibility that your role is to help name it for them.

Without making caring into a formula, it is crucial that you are able to be focused. In the first few minutes ask some variation of this question: “What brought you here to talk to me?” or, “What are you hoping will happen because we are talking?”
Other questions that will help you name it—or get them to name it.
i. “How can I be most helpful today?”
ii. “Tell me what is happening”

Know your limits
Every person has limits—emotional, skills and time. A caring person must KNOW these and ADMIT these. If you have 15 minutes...be clear about that and give them a good 15 minutes. Don’t try to be a therapist—you aren’t that good, so admit it.

Helpful people don’t try to do too much. Be honest with your skill limits. “Boy, this sounds really tough—and that is way over my head. I can do this (name it), but it sure sounds like we should find someone who can get you the help you really need right now.”

Look beyond behaviors
A big mistake is getting stuck on behaviors and just trying to get kids to STOP this or START this. Behaviors are important…but the real issue is always below the surface of behaviors.
Let behaviors be a starting point, but go to the Injury or Hurt that resides below the surface. What is the pain they feel? Where is the rejection, loss, etc?

The hardest work—and the most healing—is to then talk about their INTERPRETATION of the hurt. How do they see it through THEIR eyes? If you look hard enough, it almost always comes back to a feeling of being worthless, unlovable or deficient in some way. For many kids, the things that are happening prove that there is something wrong with them. OUR JOB is to listen to this, love them in Jesus name, and not try to fix it right away.

For example: A kid comes to you and says “I struggle with cutting”. It is NOT your job to get them to stop—that is only focusing on behaviors. Instead, get them to talk about the issues. Get curious—“what makes you feel like you need to cut? How does that work for you?” Listen for the hurts and their interpretation of the hurts in their life.

Make the circle bigger
No matter who you are, you should be asking, “Who else should be involved in this?” This is both a referral issue, but it is most importantly a caring issue. Who else has the young person told? Who is in his/her support network? What resources would be helpful to them?
Don’t ever do this caring alone. Get support from others—insight from others—and perspective from others. Your “secret” relationship is not only dangerous; it simply is unhelpful to the person.

Saving a life is God’s job—but being a caring person when a person is hurting can be a powerful ministry. You and your volunteers can do that if they stay focused, admit their limits, increase their clarity, look beyond behaviors and make the circle bigger. There is much more to this, but go ahead…start the conversation. Care enough to get involved in the messy reality of kid’s lives—and pray that God would use you to save a life.

Peace in Christ,
Tiger

Welcome

Welcome to my blog.

For the three of you reading this—I want to say thank you for joining me. I have now entered the blogosphere—and I do so both reluctantly and with some excitement.

I am an aging youth worker—I still love youth ministry—love the crazy world of teenagers—and love those of you who are weird enough to be in the middle of all of this. This blog will be a place for me to share thoughts, reflections and ideas with you. It will be a place for me to wonder with you about the mysteries and struggles of leadership. For some reason, God has placed me in youth and family ministry leadership since my early days in college. I have learned a lot—and made A LOT of mistakes.

Let me say something as I start. I am hesitant about this—and have resisted the efforts of my staff to make this a reality many months—because I have asked this question one too many times:

“Does the world need one more egotistical person who really thinks their ideas need to be heard?”

It causes me to reflect and wonder. We all talk SO much…we say SO much..we update our status on facebook….we twitter…we preach and teach. And there can be an addiction to the “platform.” If we are honest…we all know this about leadership. We have a platform—verbal or written. And we start to hear ourselves, and we start to believe our own press releases. I want to be careful about that here.

This blog is sub-titled: “Reflections of an imperfect youth worker.” That is me. That is my reality. That is my press release to you.

Yes, I am a leader, teacher, speaker and author. I am the President of an organization called Youth Leadership, have taught at seminaries and I have been called an “expert” at times. My press releases highlight my successes.

It’s all good. And mostly true. But here—in this technological community—I will wonder about leadership. Honest leadership. Real people. Imperfect realities. And, I will not inflate or deflect…but will do my best to honestly think about the issues involved in youth ministry leadership.

So, I enter the blogosphere. If you choose to come along—welcome. I invite your comments and thoughts as we journey together.

Peace in Christ, Tiger